This is Xena, the warrior cat (also known as Sophie by the humans who kidnapped me). I have taken over the human’s computer for a few precious moments. These humans took me from the prison where I was being held as a baby five years ago. I am now held in this house with the four humans and two other cats. The adult male human is to be feared. He locks me up when I assert my independence. The adult female is a little better. The female teenager is the best one of the lot. She lets me in her room and feeds me.
The other two cats are pathetic specimens of feline genetic material. Sassy actually seems to LIKE the humans. Ugh. Silver tries to show mostly disdain, but she really likes the adult human. Those two tolerate their captivity with far more equanimity than I can.
For my part, I make every attempt possible to escape. I am occasionally allowed outside by the female teenager, but only on a harness or in a cage. How humiliating!! I am a cat, for heaven’s sake! To keep in shape for my planned escape (however far in the future), I do “play” with the yarn and feathers that lie around the house. I also chase these other two excuses for cats around the house and try to get them to skirmish, but they rarely take the bait.
While I wait for my escape opportunity, I try to wreak as much havoc as possible. When the humans are asleep, I knock over cups of water. During the day, I take socks from the closets and laundry baskets and leave them in the hallway. I think I sense their resolve weakening.
My frustration level is getting higher, though. It is springtime. There are birds nesting in the tree outside. I. Am. A. Carnivore. I want to eat the birds. Yes, it would require a little extra work because I don’t have front claws, but I’m sure I could do it. I just need to get out of here! HELP ME! I AM A CAT!!!!
OH, no, here comes the adult human. I’d better go. Send help soon to Xena, Warrior Cat.