The Tangle

Upstairs in a closet is my yarn stash. Among the neat balls of yarn are a couple of tangled masses of multiple colors and textures of yarn. A couple of times, I’ve started to try to unravel the mess, but I didn’t have the motivation or patience to finish.

I woke up this morning with a migraine. And the emotions that go along with the migraine are just like that knot of yarn. My sessions with my counselor are my attempts to unsnarl the mess that gets into my head.

What are the feelings that make up this tangle?

• Pain – mostly physical, but also the emotional pain that the migraine is going to affect the rest of the family for the next 12 to 36 hours.
• Guilt 1 – Why do I feel guilty? I have no idea. But, I have this vague guilt feeling that if I did something different or lived a better life I wouldn’t have the migraine.
• Guilt 2 – I also feel guilty that I won’t be able to do the things with my kids that I normally do. I’ll have Wild Man do more schoolwork on his own and I won’t read to him today.
• Sadness – I feel like I’m missing life, like things are happening that I don’t get to participate in because of the migraines.
• Frustration – I have so much that I’d like to do that I can’t do when I have a migraine and it’s frustrating.
• Anger – Sometimes I just get mad at God. This isn’t how I planned for my life to be.
• Irritable – When I have a migraine, I don’t want to talk to people. This makes homeschooling hard, as you might can imagine!

No matter the web of feelings that’s in my head, I try to always remember that the thing that never changes is Truth. Truth, as in God’s Truth. When I’m in pain and this snarl of feelings seems overwhelming, I need to set aside those emotions for a while and focus on God’s truth – through music or Scripture reading.

• But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
• Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:22-23
• Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6
• For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7
• Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. James 1:2

Today I’ve set aside my tangled set of emotions and am just resting in God’s love and praying for quick pain relief. And as these negative emotions rise up to the surface again, I remind myself of God’s Truth. Don’t worry, I’ll deal with the emotions. They’re only set aside temporarily while I’m in too much pain to think about them. And when I’m feeling better, God and I will have some one-on-one time to untangle that mess of emotions.

How do you deal with your emotions? Do you have tangles and webs to work through? How do you handle emotions in a Godly way?

Migraine Frustration

I woke up this morning without a migraine. An unusual occurrence during these last few weeks. I can’t even begin to express the frustration I’m feeling about the relentlessness of these headaches. I feel so powerless against them. When I was practicing medicine, I was a strong believer in the model of patient and physician cooperation in optimizing the patient’s health. Much of my day was spent helping people understanding their medications, learning how they could live a healthier life, and teaching them about their illness. Now that I’m on the other end, I feel like medicine isn’t living up to it’s side of the bargain. I’m doing everything I know how to do for the migraines, but medicine doesn’t really have much else to offer.

The neurologists say the pain is a neurological/vascular issue in the brain and to try varying combinations of seizure medications – done.

The chiropractor says some of the pain may be from poor neck alignment so I get regular adjustments.

The chiropractor/acupuncturist a few years ago thought that, whatever the cause, a course of acupuncture was likely to be helpful, especially since both my parents responded well to acupuncture. No luck.

The TV preacher says I need more faith and to send him $100. I’m not going there.

Thankfully, my family doctor is incredibly understanding. She hasn’t had any earth-shattering ideas lately about how to keep my head from hurting so much, but she does encourage me to eat healthy and exercise regularly.

I think I’m so frustrated with this because I have so little control over my illness. When I was working, I tried so hard to help people see how much they could influence their diabetes and blood pressure. So many of my patients just felt tossed around by life and I wanted them to see that it didn’t have to be that way. And now I’m feeling the same way.

It would probably be a little easier to handle if I had a diagnosis that wasn’t so nebulous. Migraine. Almost everyone has had one migraine in their life. How can they be so bad that you can’t function normally? I almost feel guilty sometimes because it’s just a diagnosis of pain. I’m not going to die of my migraines, but someone with cancer very well could be looking death in the face. My migraines seriously impact my life, but I’m not crippled by them, like if I had multiple sclerosis.

Those are my very profound Sunday morning thoughts – after missing church yet once again because I had a terrible migraine yesterday. Your comments are always appreciated (although I doubt I’ll try any new “surefire” migraine treatments anytime soon – I’ve done my share of the “this worked great for my aunt’s best friend’s cousin” therapies). Hope your day is headache-free!!

I Choose Joy

Today is the third day of this migraine and it’s still there in spite off all my medications. I’m so tempted to give in to depression and hopelessness. Last night, I cried for about twenty minutes out of sheer frustration for four years of seemingly unrelenting pain. I had lunch with a friend today, but I worry that I wasn’t great company.

Nonetheless, I choose joy over despair.

When I finish crying, I dry my tears knowing that Jesus himself suffered physical and emotional pain when He was here on Earth. Hebrews 4:15 “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin.”

I will get up tomorrow and go on with a new day, even if I have to pray for God to get me through each minute.

I will love my husband and children with every bit of strength I have no matter how much pain I have.

I will love and trust God that He’s working all things together for His glory and my good. Acts 17:28 “For in Him, we live and move and have our being . . .”

I will pray.

I will thank God for these awful headaches because they have taught me to lean on Him every second since I have no strength of my own anymore (and, did I ever, really?).

I choose joy.

Come to Jesus

“The Jesus said, ‘Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light.’” Matthew 11:28-30

Are you weary? Do you have heavy burdens? I certainly do! My headaches are a near-constant burden. Parenting makes me tired. Pain makes me weary.

Jesus tells me to come to him and that he will give me rest. How? He will teach me his humility and gentleness. His yoke fits perfectly and the burden that he gives is light.

How can that be? Jesus knows all about me – how can he be restful? It’s because he knows the truth – that God is in control of all my circumstances. The burden that Jesus gives me is simply to walk every day in the path God has given me. And to let Jesus take the pain and weariness and worry. But it’s not a one-time event, apparently, because Jesus says that he will teach us. I must submit myself totally to Jesus and let him teach me to carry his light burden instead of my heavy one.

Lord Jesus, I pray today that I learn a little more each day about how to give you my heavy burdens of pain and worry and fear and how to take your light burden of truth.

On Safety

Abraham Piper’s blog, 22 Words, had this to say yesterday:

A guest post by Wesley Hill.

Why does a Christian radio station bill itself as “safe for the whole family”? Whatever else Christianity is, it certainly isn’t that.

This reminds me of of a sequence in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe:

"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you, he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-Beyond-the-Sea...."

"Ooh!" said Susan, "I'd thought he was a man. Is he--quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."

"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."

"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

In our culture, we tend to think of Christianity as being “safe”. What is safety, though? If we are talking about being risk-free, with no chance of pain or suffering, then God and Christianity are most certainly not “safe”.

When we give our lives to Jesus, we start a on an amazing adventure, but it’s not a risk-free adventure. In fact, Jesus himself tells us “blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:10). This is not the only time that this sentiment is expressed by Jesus. In Matthew 10, we are told to expect to be arrested and persecuted on Jesus’ account. Not exactly a “safe” faith.

So, why in the world should we follow Jesus? From what I’ve just written, it sounds like Christians must be psychotic!! The reason is found in the second quote – because Jesus is good – and he’s God. (In the book, Aslan is the character that represents Jesus.) We may not expect safety here on earth, yet we can expect abundant life!! I know that’s some kind of crazy paradox.

I think the best place to try to understand this (although, I don’t think we’ll ever really get it until we meet Jesus face to face) is in the book of Philippians. Paul tells us in this letter about having joy in spite of our earthly sufferings. Paul writes in the fourth chapter that he has learned to be content whatever his circumstances. The whole book encourages us to live life for Jesus, to pray regularly, and to keep our thoughts on Jesus. These are some of the steps we can do to keep walking with Jesus.

And even though every step is a new and exciting adventure, we can have peace that, whatever happens here on this earth, we have a Savior who loves us and is waiting for us. So, let us give up this illusion of having a “safe”, comfortable life that we control, and let Jesus tell us where to go and what to do next!!

P.S. I feel sure that the radio station advertisement was trying to say that their programming and ads are family-friendly, without foul language or other objectionable material.

Temptation

Tonight, I read in Matthew about John the Baptist baptizing Jesus. After that, Jesus spent 40 days fasting in the desert. Then, Satan came to Jesus and tempted him – talk about kicking a guy when he’s down. I don’t know about you, but being hungry, hot, and tired makes me pretty vulnerable. I’m guessing that Satan chose that moment to tempt Jesus because his defenses were down.

But, Jesus didn’t give in to the temptation. I’ve heard some people say things like “Yeah, but Jesus was God.” Indeed, Jesus is God, but when Jesus was on earth, he was also 100% human. He resisted temptation the same way that you and I do – by relying on God the Father. Notice that all of Jesus’ answers to Satan were Scripture. Jesus didn’t mess around with any arguments – he just quoted the words of God the Father.

The same thing happens to us. Satan attacks us when we are weakest – when we’re in pain, tired, or stressed. But we have the same power available to us that Jesus had – the words of God the Father.

Whatever it is you struggle with, remember that Jesus dealt with the same thing when he was on earth. Hebrews 4:15-16 says, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

No matter what’s going on in our lives, we have Jesus who has been through this before us. And, he’ll walk through today and tomorrow and forever right beside us. What wonderful comfort that brings!!

Abundant Life

Until a couple of months ago, we thought that our income would significantly decrease in about 18 months. Because of that, we have been living very frugally, trying to save up money and pay off some leftover debt. A few months ago, we found out that we had misunderstood some things and that we actually will not have a decrease in our income. We have been living as if we were poorer than we really are.

It’s very easy for us to live our spiritual lives this same way. As believers, we have access to God’s unspeakable love, grace, joy, and more!! But, too often, we live in fear and worry. It’s easier to sit back in our comfortable Christian lives of doing what’s easy and not taking any risks. God has so much more for us, though. All we have to do is reach out for this abundant life we’ve been promised. Jesus said (in John 10:10), “I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.”

When we move through our fear and really trust God, the rewards are huge. A few years ago, our family went to Venezuela for a week’s worth of mission work at a boys’ ranch. It was a real step of faith, but the joy and love was amazing!

C. S. Lewis put it well in a sermon in 1941: “Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

And here’s how Steven Curtis Chapman interprets this idea.

God’s promises are truly amazing and I want to live life “to the full” in serving God! How have you learned to live God’s abundant life? How has Jesus been truly real in your life?

P.S. I don’t mean to suggest in the first paragraph that we shouldn’t live frugally even when our income allows for a more extravagant lifestyle. That’s a whole ‘nother discussion!! I’m just trying to make the point that we were living with incorrect information.

Fear Not!!

My kids (OK, and the grown-ups, too) love to listen to Jungle Jam. One of our favorite bits is from the Christmas episode.

Angel: (In very deep voice) Fear not!!

Shepherds: Aaaaaaaaaaargh!!

Angel: Fear not!!!

Shepherds: Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!

Angel: What part of “Fear not” do you not understand?!

I can understand why the shepherds might have been a bit nervous. I mean, they’re out in the fields minding their own business when other-worldly beings appear in the sky and start speaking to them. Yeah, pretty fear-inducing in my world!

So, what did the angels mean by “Fear not!” On a surface level, it’s pretty clear that they were trying to say, “Hey, we’re the good guys so you don’t need to run off and leave the sheep and lose your jobs!” We’ve already established that other-worldly beings appearing in the sky is not a normal event and one might think that it’s not necessarily a good thing. The first thing the angels need to get across to the shepherds is that the angels are on the good side and have good news for them.

But then, they give them the news that a baby has been born. OK, tell me how this is fear-inducing!! It’s not like they said that the neighboring village had just been firebombed or something. They said a baby was born in a barn. I picture these shepherds saying to each other, “Ya know, the peace on earth thing is great, but I’m not really seeing how the baby thing fits in.” But, when an angel tells you to go worship, I’m guessing that you go worship. (I’m not speaking from experience here.)

I think, though, that the angels were saying something deeper when they said, “Fear not!” I have no idea if the shepherds ever really got the whole picture or not. But, God was saying, “Don’t be afraid that everything is about to change. Don’t be afraid that all you’ve known about religion is about to come to fruition in the next 33 years.” If the shepherds could have seen what was going to happen over the next 33+ years, I’m betting there would have been some serious fear going on!! The change is good, though.

Because of what happened on that night in Bethlehem (which was likely in the spring, by the way), we don’t have to be afraid! God’s plan was played out exactly the way it was supposed to. Jesus went from baby to child to adult to crucified to resurrected. Now, we need never fear. Remember that perfect love casts out all fear. All because of that first Bethlehem morning when the angels told the shepherds to “Fear Not!”

The Week From H*ll

So, this week has truly been one of the worst weeks that I can remember. And I really hate that it is during the Christmas season. I love Christmas! So, when a week like this happens during the Christmas season, it’s even worse.

What happened to make it so awful? Mostly, the migraine. I did have a little intestinal virus on Monday that made me feel kind of icky, but things weren’t too terrible. Tuesday was when everything went downhill so badly. The blizzard that came through gave me one of the worst migraines that I’ve ever had. Normally, Mr. Math Tutor would have just taken me to the Emergency Department for an IV and some heavy duty meds, but we were in the middle of a blizzard and it wasn’t safe to drive. So, I took my meds by mouth until I was throwing up too much. Then, I took the one med that I have in suppository form. Mostly, I lay on the sofa with an ice pack on my head until I needed to run to the bathroom to throw up. I thought my head was going to explode and my insides were going to turn inside out. It was an awful night. (But, I do have to say that it was pretty cool to watch the snow come down and swirl around – we got over a foot of snow and the winds were pretty wicked!)

I finally fell asleep around 8am Wednesday morning. The time that I was awake on Wednesday I still felt rotten just because I was so sore from vomiting. I had another migraine Thursday morning, but it only lasted about an hour, partly because I threw every medication in the cabinet at it!! I had pretty vivid memories from Tuesday night.

Today was better since I didn’t have a migraine, but I have had a dull headache all day. And, of course, I’m still sore all over. I was finally able to get on the treadmill for about ten minutes this evening. I’ve gotten some reading and knitting done in the last couple of days, but absolutely no housework.

Mr. Math Tutor has gone above and beyond the call of duty in taking care of me during the migraine and taking care of the house. He’s usually very good about keeping the house going when I have migraines anyway, but he didn’t get much sleep Tuesday night, either. And, he had to deal with the foot of snow in our driveway on Wednesday – when he had had very little sleep. He deserves a medal!

So, why blog about this? For one thing, it’s therapeutic for me to see this in written form. It also reminds me that it’s temporal. Even though I couldn’t go to the Emergency Department Tuesday night like I wanted to, I kept telling myself that the migraine wouldn’t last forever. I held on to the fact that the headache would only last a few hours. The migraines are miserable and they seriously disrupt my life, but I just need to hang on because the individual migraine will end eventually.

I also write so that other migraineurs can see that they aren’t alone with this awful illness. Not only are there lots of other people out there with migraines, but, more importantly, God is with us even in the worst of our pain. The Bible tells us to “cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). God may not choose to take away my pain. His plan may include my being in pain. But, it doesn’t include leaving me or deserting me. “Surely I will be with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20)

More on Thankfulness in Difficulty

First of all, can I just say that I love it when I get to quote someone way smarter than I am about something I’ve previously written. So, I’m pretty happy about this.

Tullian Tchividjian wrote on his blog about being thankful for pain.

To be thankful for our comforts only is to make an idol of this life. “God-sent afflictions”, says Maurice Roberts, “have a health-giving effect upon the soul” because they are the medicine used to purge the soul of self-centeredness and this world’s vanities. Pain, in other words, sharpens us, matures us, and gives us clear “eye-sight.” Pain transforms us like nothing else can. It turns us into “solid” people. Roberts continues, “Those who have been in the crucible have lost more of their scum.” All of this should cause us to be deeply thankful.

It’s been said that pain is the second best thing because it leads us to the Best Thing (God). For, it is only when we come to the end of ourselves that we come to the beginning of God. And it is only when we come to the beginning of God that we come to the beginning of life.

What more can I say? I am thankful for my pain because God is leading me to Him. What more could I want?

Hard To Be Thankful

So, we just got finished with Thanksgiving when we were supposed to give thanks for all of our blessings. Just having a stable food supply and a place to live makes us more fortunate than probably 90% of the rest of the world, so we should be thanking God every day for just about everything!! Nonetheless, it is nice to have a day to remember that everything that sustains us comes from God.

So, I’m thankful for all the usual things like food, shelter, and family. I’m thankful for LSU football at the moment because they’re winning against Arkansas (but that may be temporary depending on the outcome of the game). I’m thankful for two funny and beautiful children. I’m thankful for an amazing husband who loves me as much as he does.

But, sometimes, it’s hard to be thankful. But, God tells us to be thankful for everything – and he doesn’t qualify it by saying to be thankful for all the good stuff. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.” Ouch.

It’s hard to be thankful for migraines, but Paul writes that we are to give thanks in ALL circumstances, not just the ones that we like. And, I’m not liking the migraine I’ve got right now. Being thankful for the tests and trials of life doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t make an attempt to resolve them. I’m still seeing my chiropractor and adjusting my medications. But, I have to thank God for the migraines.

Why? Why in the world would God want us to thank him for bad things as well as good things? A couple of things come to mind. First of all, what appears to be bad may eventually turn out to be good. Joseph told his brothers that what they intended for evil, God intended for good. God may have some greater use for my migraines. Second, I think that God teaches us simply through the act of gratitude. When we can take our eyes off ourselves long enough to thank God for the bad stuff in our lives, we can look around and see what other needs there are in the world. That’s just my thoughts. Let’s face it – God’s mind is way bigger than mine and so he’s probably got even more going on than I can think of right now.

So, what do you need to be thankful for today? What is hard to be thankful for?

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

I love modern worship music, but I have a special place in my heart for hymns from my childhood and adolescence. Not only do they bring back memories of when I first gave my life to Christ, but they have beautiful language from years gone by. Here’s one of my favorites:

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

1. Come Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of God's unchanging love.

2. Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Hither by Thy help I'm come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.

3. O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

“Ebenezer” refers to 1 Samuel 7:12 - “Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far has the Lord helped us.” Ebenezer means “stone of help”. When I sing “Here I raise my Ebenezer”, I’m saying that God is my helper, the only one who will bring me safely home.

When I sing “prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love”, I sometimes just want to cry. God loves me so much, but yet I’ll wander away at the drop of a hat like I’ve got spiritual ADD or something. But, not God. He doesn’t wander and He will “bind my wandering heart” to Him. Amazing.

God’s Timing

I was writing out some Bible verses tonight to use for my meditation and I noticed a definite theme – waiting and rest. See what you think:

Isaiah 30:15 “This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: ‘In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength . . .’”

Isaiah 40:31 “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Lamentations 3:25-26 “The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks hi; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

Jeremiah 6:16 “This is what the Lord says: ‘Stand at the crossroads and look’ ask for the ancient paths; ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.’”

Philippians 1:6 “Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Matthew 6:33-34 “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.”

Psalm 27:14 “Wait for the Lord: be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”

Lamentations 3:22-23 “Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’”

So often, I want to tell God what to do and when to do it (right NOW). But, God has his own plan and I’m sure it’s waaaaaay better than mine is. These verses are all excellent reminders that I can rest in God’s timing and God’s plan for my life (my family, my church, etc.).

How do I wait?? Do I passively sit back and do nothing? Absolutely not! The Scriptures also tell us to be obedient. While I wait, I live my life and I obey God with as much energy as I have. But I’m don’t need to worry that God’s going to miss something. He’s on top of things.

God is faithful and I can rest in his love. So I’m going to bed, trusting that He’s got everything under control.

Is God Random?

I have heard an argument against biological evolution that says that God wouldn’t allow the universe to develop randomly or by “chance”. The argument was that God must have created the universe in six 24 hour days according to a literal reading of the first chapter of Genesis because He would not have allowed the Big Bang to occur and then allowed everything else to develop just by “chance”. I used to think that made sense, but I don’t anymore.

The Bible is clear that God has planned everything that will happen, even before He created the world. Proverbs 16:4 tells us “The Lord works out everything for his own ends.” In Ephesians, we read, “For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight.”

The idea that God would not use evolution as a means of creation because it is “random” doesn’t hold water when we consider that God already knows everything that is going to happen. Even a sparrow doesn’t fall to the ground apart from the will of God (Matthew 10:29). What appear to us to be random events - genetic mutations, the roll of the dice, the clothes the kids put on the morning - are events that were known to God from the beginning of time. There is nothing that has happened from the first moment of Creation – whether it was 6,000 years ago or 15 billion years ago – that was not expected and known by God.

And this gives me great comfort. God isn’t surprised by my migraines. He doesn’t freak out when a Democrat is elected to the White House. As a speaker I once heard said, God isn’t on Prozac and pacing up and down in Heaven worrying about the mess down here. And that’s because He’s completely in control.

The words “random” and “chance” aren’t in God’s vocabulary. I am convinced by the scientific evidence that God used evolution as His tool in the creation of His universe. I’m also convinced that nothing that exists or happens is the product of chance. I can rest in the assurance that God loves me and is taking care of me. And I’m thanking God for that every day!!

Huldah

Do you remember Huldah from your Sunday School classes? No? Don’t worry. Neither do I. I came across her name while reading in 2 Chronicles.

In the 18th year of Josiah’s reign as king of Judah, the book of the Law was found again in the Temple and read to Josiah. King Josiah then gave orders for his helpers to “inquire of the Lord for me and for the remnant in Israel and Judah about what is written in this book that has been found.” (2 Chron. 34:21) So, the guys go out and find the prophetess, Huldah, who proceeds to give them five verses of God promising to all kinds of destruction on the people for forsaking Him, but sparing Josiah because Josiah is turning the people back to God.

And that’s all we hear of her. Apparently, she was known to the people of Judah as a prophetess. There didn’t seem to be some great debate as to who to go see when Josiah said to go “inquire of the Lord”. She didn’t appear to be a “second-choice” or the one prophesying because a man didn’t do his job.

Huldah appears to be a woman that God had placed in Jerusalem for a specific purpose – and she was ready to carry out that purpose. The story of Huldah is a reminder that we need to look at the entire Bible to sort out the whole issue of women’s “roles” and not pick and choose a few verses. Huldah is an example of a woman used by God in a male-dominated profession (prophesying – if you can call that a profession) in a male-dominated culture.

Just some food for thought.

HOPE!!!

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us.” Romans 5:3-5

When I’ve read and meditated on this section of Scripture before, I’ve always focused on verses 3 and 4 that talk about how our suffering produces hope. And that’s important, especially when we’re in the middle of suffering (i.e. this recent week-long migraine!).

Tonight, though, I was struck by verse 5 - “And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us.” Wow!! From our suffering we eventually get hope – which doesn’t disappoint us because of God’s love.

God, the almighty Creator of the Universe, poured out His love for us by giving us Jesus for our salvation and then by giving us the Holy Spirit for our constant comfort. What an amazing promise that is! There are not words enough to express the magnitude of what God has done for us.

In the middle of our suffering or in the middle of our happiness, we have the hope of God. God has poured his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit. Whatever is going on, God bathes our hearts with his love by the Holy Spirit. Amazing. Stupendous. God – who is beyond time and space – cares enough about each of us to love us. There are no words (although I’m sure trying!).

Whatever God has put into your life right now, remember to rejoice because God has given you hope through his Holy Spirit. There is nothing better than that!!

Hanging On . . .

Remember the posters of the kitty cat holding on the knot at the end of the rope with the saying “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!”? That’s how I feel right now. I’ve had this migraine for three and a half days and I’m kind of hanging on. I had an appointment today with my counselor and another with my doctor, both of which were very helpful. Since then, I’ve been thinking a little about hanging on – getting through an acutely difficult phase in life. Here are some of the things that help me.

1. God. I know that there are people out there who manage to cope with chronic pain exacerbations who aren’t Christians, but I don’t understand how. I truly believe that my faith in God gets me through a lot of days when I would otherwise hide under my covers. Even when I feel like (*&%*& and can only pray the simplest of prayers, God is there and provides comfort. (I still wish He’d just take away the headaches, sometimes, though.)

2. Family. My husband is the most supportive guy in the world. He never makes me feel guilty for being in pain (which is good since I do an excellent job of that myself). He very willingly steps in to help when I can’t do what I need to do. He asks how he can help. I don’t know where I’d be without him. Even my kids are great about my illness. They don’t fuss when I ask them to adjust their activities because of how I feel. Wild Man has been very understanding about my missing some of his baseball games because of the headaches.

3. Counseling. One great thing my counselor and I did was to work through a book called The Chronic Pain Care Workbook. I learned a lot about myself, how I react to pain, and how I can structure my life to deal with pain. One of the best things about seeing a counselor, though, is having someone outside my situation to help me “reframe” things. I was in bad shape when I went in to see her today because I was still in pain and felt like everything else was out of control. She helped me see that this headache was not just the normal long migraine; it started after camp, so the house is a mess, we are out of groceries, and we aren’t in a routine. Once I was able to see that, we made a plan for me to get more pain medication (which I was trying to avoid) and to ask Mr. Math Tutor for specific help around the house and to do the grocery shopping. My head still hurts, but I can see the situation more clearly and it doesn’t look nearly as hopeless.

4. Friends. I communicate with lots of my friends on Facebook. I have gotten lots and lots of promises of prayer which makes me feel truly loved. There is nothing like it!

5. Being outward focused. Pain makes me selfish. Basically, I hurt, so I think only about myself. One thing I’ve learned to do to combat this inward focus is to pray for others. Since I don’t sleep well when my head hurts, I get lots of time to pray for others. I have a list of people right now who need specific prayer and the last few days have provided plenty of opportunity to focus on someone else’s needs besides my own (if only for a few minutes).

6. Keeping busy. How can I keep busy when I’m in pain? Well, as long as my pain is below about a level 9 (out of 10), I can usually read or knit. I have to make sure to knit only easy stuff or I’ll have to fix it later, though!! Generally, when I’m in pain, I have to read novels or histories that are pretty easy reads. Theology or other heavy-duty stuff has to wait until my brain is in better shape!

So, I’m hanging on. I’ll be productive again when this migraine has eased up. Until then, God is still good and Jesus still loves me.

What about you? How do you hang on when you reach the end of your rope?

It’s My Birthday and I’ll Cry If I Want To!

Well, actually, yesterday was my birthday. And it was yucky. Because I had a migraine that started the night before. Thankfully, my kids did the cake on Monday, so they did the whole “Happy Birthday” thing before the migraine got real bad. But I still have the migraine. And, I’m not happy, and I’m crying even if it IS the day after my birthday!

This feel so unfair sometimes – OK, most of the time. I usually get through the bad headaches OK because I have a wonderful hubby, great kids, and an amazing God. I’m feeling pretty depressed right now, though, wondering if it’s ever going to end. I’m tired of trying to talk myself out of being depressed.

So that’s it. There’s no great spiritual lesson or encouragement right now. I want my @%^#$^% head to quit hurting and to quit having to take medicine that doesn’t work very well.

Rant over. I’ll be fine in an hour or so – I’m going to go “have a little talk with Jesus”. You may now return to your regularly scheduled internet surfing.

The Death Of A Birch Tree

I learned something interesting this week at camp. When birch trees rot, they rot from the inside out. This means that when you see a birch tree lying on the ground, the bark may be completely intact, but the inside could be completely rotten. The two trees in the picture above look pretty good except for where they’ve been stepped on. Once someone steps on the rotted birch tree, it’s pretty clear that the tree is rotted – and the person probably has a twisted ankle to show for it.

So what’s the significance? We can be like this – rotting on the inside, but making sure that our outside looks nice and alive and healthy. This is a particular temptation for control freaks like me. I need for the rest of the world to think I have it together. Even now, when I may have only 2 or 3 productive days a week, I would love for friends and neighbors to think that I still manage to serve healthy meals, keep a clean house, educate my children with exciting and interesting techniques, read fun books, and keep up a fascinating blog.

And, maybe I can keep up that facade – that birch bark outside – for a few weeks. Then someone steps on it accidently when life gets a little stressful and then it becomes obvious that the reality isn’t a beautiful, vibrant, living tree.

No, I need to be honest and take on only what I can handle, giving God the control of each day – actually of each minute(Isaiah 40:31, Jer 6:16, Phil 1:6, Phil 4:6). I have to quite worrying about how things look to other people. I answer to God. His standards are incredibly high, but they are high in the areas of holiness – have I loved my kids, have I been careful with my words, have I been diligent with the time and energy I have? God’s standards for my house and the kids’ educations are different than mine. So, I need to listen to the Holy Spirit every minute and pay more attention to the inside of my life instead of the outside. After all, I’m me – not a birch tree.

Are you a perfectionist or control freak? Does the story of the birch tree resonate with you? How are you learning to work through the perfectionism? How do you listen to the Holy Spirit on a constant basis (especially those of us with kids)?

I Don’t Get It

So, I don’t “get” prayer. I mean, I do it – I pray quite a bit. But, I don’t really understand it. I’ve been a Christian for almost 32 years now, and prayer still perplexes me. Why? Here’s why:

• All 6+ billion of us here on Earth can pray to the same One God.
• Any space aliens (a la’ Madeleine L’Engle or C.S. Lewis) can also pray to Him (I assume).
• At the same time.
• And God listens.
• And answers – although not always the way we want, apparently.
• You can pray at home, in the car, in the bathtub, anywhere.
• You can sing, yell, say, or think your prayers.
• There are prayers in the Bible to use as examples.
• Many people (myself included, at times) pray specific prayers at specific times (The Daily Office).
• You can pray completely spontaneously.
• Jesus prayed to the Father – even though He was the Son.
• When we can’t figure out what to pray, the Holy Spirit helps us out. (Romans 8:26)
• Our prayers are in bowls in Heaven (Rev. 5:8).

I pray more now in the last three years than I have in my entire life, but I understand it less. Crazy, huh?

I used to think that prayer was something that I was supposed to do first thing in the morning during my quiet time out on the porch with a cup of coffee, my Bible, a notebook, and a Bible study book from Lifeway. Then, I’d have that little chore taken care of till the next day. There are a few problems with that scenario: I don’t do mornings (my devotional times now are after everyone else is in bed), I don’t have a porch, I don’t drink coffee, and I rarely use Bible study books (I generally just use a commentary). Then there’s the huge problem that the entire picture is something cultural that God never actually intended.

Prayer is something far more mysterious and powerful than just something to do with your morning coffee!! Now that I’ve given up the silly stereotypes, I’ve learned much, much more about communicating with God. Mostly, I’ve learned that it’s a privilege and an honor and not a duty to be crossed off my list.

Sadly, I think chronic pain has been the impetus to my truly learning to pray. I wish I had learned sooner – and under less dire circumstances. Nonetheless, the last three years have taught me so much in terms of communicating with God that I wouldn’t trade it for anything. There’s much I don’t understand, but much more that I enjoy despite (or, perhaps, because of) the mystery. I’ll probably be sharing more of my thoughts about prayer in the future, so stay tuned. In the meantime, pray without ceasing!!