Advent and Chronic Pain

Advent. It means "the arrival of a notable thing, person, or event." In the Christian calendar, it is the beginning of the Christian year, the four Sundays that lead up to Christmas and the celebration of the birth of Jesus. 

Advent is waiting. We spend this time knowing that we need a Savior and knowing that God has promised a Messiah, but he hasn't yet come. But, he will.

I grew up in a non-liturgical church, so we didn't observe Advent. Right after Thanksgiving, we were in full Christmas mode. And I still enjoy my Christmas tree and lights and Nativity sets.

But, I also understand the need to be still and wait. To remember how much I need Jesus. To feel the brokenness and pray for healing. 

It's the time of year to remember the promises that God made about his coming Messiah.  

For to us a child is born,
    to us a son is given,
    and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
    Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
7 Of the greatness of his government and peace
    there will be no end.
He will reign on David’s throne
    and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
    with justice and righteousness
    from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the Lord Almighty
    will accomplish this.

I realized today how much Advent is like having chronic pain. I'm waiting. Always waiting. I know that in the end, I'll be pain-free. God will either heal me or take me to heaven, but I have to live this life that I have right now.

So I wait and I pray, like the people of Israel did for those many years. I read the words of the prophets that they heard or that they heard read in the synagogues. "The zeal of the Lord Almighty will accomplish this." Yes. God will do this. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but He will.

What are you waiting for this Advent? Jesus is right beside you and ready to walk this life with you. He may not choose to physically heal you right now, but he'll walk through whatever is hurting you right now right with you. All he asks is  that you trust him.

Over these next few weeks, read your Bible, particularly the stories of the birth of Jesus and the prophecies that they reference. Anticipate the arrival of the Savior. Pray for Jesus to have a real impact on your life this Christmas.

Thoughts?

CCM 

What I've Been Up To

So, here's your basic update on life since I've been neglecting my blog.

1. Family Camp. It was super fun, as always! I had two bad migraine days and one moderate migraine day. The weather was gorgeous except for one storm - see above re: migraine. The speaker this year is from the Milwaukee area and spoke about love. His whole week's worth of talks is summed up in this: Love. One. Another. 

2. Kids' Family Camp Stuff. We took Wild Man's girlfriend, J, to camp with us again this year. For the all-camp fun day, they did a bunch of station games with a talent show in the evening. Wild Man sang "America" while J did her flag routine. They were a rousing success! 

Wild Man, Rosie Girl, and J did a rap that I can't begin to successfully explain. Wild Man did the beat-boxing. Rosie Girl and J were Peter and Paul having the argument in Galatians 2:11-21. It was beyond amazing. And frighteningly theological.

Wild Man did music stuff (of course), playing bass one day and drums one day. And, he won the carpetball tournament!! They didn't have the archery tournament because of rain - if he had placed in that tournament (which he has for the last few years), I would have tried to get some of his ice cream!

3. Migraines. Yes. I still have them. No, I don't enjoy them.

4. Books. I have discovered the author Terry Brooks. I am loving his Word and Void series and am getting started on one of his Shannara novels. Friend me on Goodreads to see what all I'm reading these days. (I think it's mostly up to date!)

5. Knitting. The Waupaca County Fair is coming up! I've got two items completed and two yet to go. The hardest thing is remembering my form - due this week.

6. Pokemon Go. Are you playing? Rosie Girl thought Christmas had come early when she heard that I signed up. I love collecting the critters and evolving them. But, I'm a lover, not a fighter, so I haven't gotten into a gym. We'll see how that goes. We live right by a Pokestop, so I collect a couple of Pokeballs from my living room every few hours. And I got a Meowth while sitting in my rocking chair last night!!!!

7. Sophie. We took Sophie, Rosie Girl's cat, to live with her in Stevens Point last week. Sophie is undisputed queen of the roost, right where she belongs. On that same day, Rosie Girl, PWM, Wild Man, J, and I went down to the park in Stevens Point right on the river to hunt Pokemon. Some people had practically set up camp. Of course, I was kind of tempted to join them when I realized how many magicarp there were! 

8. Rhapsody. This is my new kitten. I got an adorable 8 week tabby from J's family. Rhapsody and Rory are still separated. Rory isn't too thrilled with having a kitten around. As soon as I clip Rhapsody's claws and put her claw covers on (hoping to prevent declawing), she should be ready to hang out with Rory. Rhapsody is totally adorable in all her kitteness! She plays until she's completely tuckered out and then goes back upstairs to the closet where she's been sleeping and lies down.

9. Rosie Girl. Started a full-time job!! And it's a job that will offer benefits after a certain period of time! And it pays tolerably well!! And she likes it! Yes, we're all pretty excited. Rosie Girl is feeling like her choice to not return to school was a good one. 

10. PWM. He's starting to feel the impending start of school. But, first, he does two weeks of training at Milwaukee School of Engineering. Yay! NOT! The training is important for the new class that he's teaching, but I'm not thrilled about him being gone for two weeks. In any case, he's getting lots of walking in with Pokemon Go.

11. Wild Man. He's working at a grocery store and can work some shifts at the same chain when he starts school at UWSP. Hopefully, he can handle a few work shifts along with school. We also have to finish up his school shopping. And, I told him he gets to make his own doctor and dentist appointments before school starts - his schedule is too complicated for me to sort out. Besides, as he likes to point out, he's an adult.

That's what's up in our little corner of the world. I've got lots of stuff in my brain that wants to come out. I'll try to let it out in bits and pieces that make sense. Fat chance!! Stay tuned for the crazy!

CCM

Rambling On . . .

This is the third post in a row about illness. Blah. I just don't have much else going on inside my head right now.

We've been very busy around here. Grandma has been here to see the Aladdin, the school musical. Wild Man had the starring role! So, of course, it was a busy weekend with three performances of the musical. And Wild Man turned 18 yesterday, although we celebrated on Saturday afternoon with chocolate cake and friends and singing! We went to UWSP last night to hear their choir concert since Rosie Girl is in the Choral Union. It was amazing, of course.

I fought a migraine through the whole weekend. I skipped the Saturday night performance of Aladdin to get some extra rest. Overall, though, it wasn't too bad.

The fibromyalgia pain is what is doing me in right now. I'm getting out and walking on the days that the migraine isn't bad, but I can still only get about 1/2 a mile. My calves hurt with every step. It was only a few weeks ago that I could do 2 miles without any excessive pain. 

The bright spot is that my antidepressants are working. As much as I hurt, my mood is staying pretty decent.

Other little tidbits of life: I knit on Fridays with another woman. She's in her 80's. She's been knitting since before my mother was born! But, her eyesight isn't as good as it used to be, so she has me cast-on stitches or pick up stitches or figure things out for her sometimes when I come over on Fridays. This week, she couldn't figure out the heel on some socks. I thought I had it sorted out, but when I was done, I only had 13 stitches where I should have had 32! Later in the afternoon when I was just sitting, I suddenly realized how to do the heel! I called my friend and told her to bring her knitting when I picked her up to take her to the play and I'd do them this weekend. I finished tonight with the correct number of stitches!!

This is certainly a well-constructed piece of writing! Talk about rambling! Well, I can vouch for the grammar at least.

Have a lovely night! 

If only I’d . . .

If only I’d exercise more, the migraines wouldn’t come, right?

If only I’d eat more veggies . . .  I’f only I’d eat more protein . . .

If only I’d  meditate more, be more mindful . . .

If only I’d sleep more . . . If only I’d sleep more

If only I’d journal more . . .

If only I were more disciplined and organized.

If only I’d take this herb or that herb or that mineral or start that program . . .

If only I went to this doctor or that chiropractor or that naturalist . . .

If only I didn’t live inside my head so much . . .

If only I saw my counselor more . .  .

If only it didn’t rain so much . . .

If only my ipod worked . . .

If only something would stop this pain . . . 

If only something would stop the voices in my head . . . Please, God.

In Honor of June Being Migraine and Headache Awareness Month . . .

 

. . . I decided to have a five day migraine. Yep. I thought that would be such a good idea. Because who doesn’t want to miss their son’s girlfriend’s graduation party? Yeah. That was Sunday afternoon. But, I hear that everyone had a wonderful time and the girlfriend is officially not a high schooler!!

But, Monday morning, the headache was still awful and I had no more options for treatment, so I had PWM take me to the clinic. I was given Demerol (not my drug of choice – it tends to make me kind of jittery) and Phenergan which made me feel much better and some Prednisone to keep this headache kicked out. By the time we got to the pharmacy, the injection site for the Demerol was itching, so I went inside to check it out, and, lo and behold, I had hives! They were gone in an hour, but it appears I’m also now allergic to Demerol.  So far, I’ve slept and knit since I’ve been home. The steroid-induced house-cleaning energy-surge has not yet shown up, but I slept till 5pm today, so I’m still awake at almost 1am. But, the migraine is gone. Hopefully, I can stay active enough to obliterate the calories that the steroids tend to make me crave.

June is officially Migraine and Headache Awareness Month as promoted by the National Headache Foundation. If you have been reading my blog, you’ll know that Migraine Disease is far more than a headache, but since it’s primary manifestation is headache, it is gets top billing for this group of illnesses. I’m generally not a fan of all the “awareness” campaigns, but I think this one is important. A lot of people out there have headaches that are debilitating and negatively impact their lives and don’t think that there’s any hope. They take some Excedrin or Advil and try to live with it. Or, if they can’t, they lose their job and struggle with all that entails.

What people need to know is that headaches that respond to Tylenol that go away after an hour or so are one thing, but headaches that occur more than four times a months and that impair your work and/or social life should be taken seriously. Medications and/or other treatment can give a person their life back. And taken too many medications can make things worse instead of better. Awareness is important because a visit to a doctor can help you decide if you need to pursue this with a medical professional. This is your life!! The headaches don’t always have to win!!!

 

Paste the purple ribbon on your FB page and tell your friends with headaches to talk to their medical providers. Life may not have to be as hard as it is. And, if a person has chronic migraine, there’s a lot of love and support out there. Nobody has to do it alone.

Consider it pure joy . . . May 6, 2014

The apostle James was crazy. He wrote “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

That man has not been inside my head during a three-day migraine. Pure joy? Yeah, right.

Lest you think, though, that the last ten years of chronic migraine have been completely useless, I can tell you that I have learned some important things. The main one is my dependence on Jesus. Fifteen years ago, I could have convinced myself that I had my life together. I was a practicing physician with a good marriage and two adorable children. What more could I want? Now, I’m lucky to get through a day without a miserable headache.

But, this is a good place to be. I can’t pretend to be able to get through life on my own. Really, fifteen years ago, I was just as dependent on Jesus; I just had days or weeks that I would forget that and try to make do myself. Nowadays, before I even get out of bed, I’m reminded of how broken I am. It’s the physical brokenness that reminds me, but it’s the spiritual brokenness that’s so debilitating. And it would be there with or without the headaches.

We’re all broken before Jesus. That’s what it means to be human. We’ve all sinned and, even though we’re forgiven, that tendency to sin hasn’t gone away. And the sin from the rest of the world has broken us in other ways: emotionally and spiritually. My physical pain is just a reminder that I need Jesus every day.

Maybe I should “consider it pure joy” . . . .

Migraine Paranoia–November 18, 2013

I’ve had a headache today, the leftovers of a moderate migraine last night. The headache hasn’t been bad. What HAS been bad has been my migraine paranoia. After last week’s severe and prolonged migraine, I’m very prone to worry.

Whenever I’m a bit nauseous, I wonder if it’s bad enough to take meds. If my insides start to cramp up at all, I worry that I’m about to spend an hour in the bathroom. If my headache moves to one side for a few minutes, I stress that it’s getting migraine-y and I need to take my triptan.

Normally, I get through these bothersome headache days without too much emotional trouble. Today, though, I stressed out at just about every possible migraine symptom. When I caught myself dwelling on symptoms, I tried to stop, pray, and get back into my knitting and listening to my book (Sycamore Row by John Grisham).

I’m praying that tomorrow is better. I need to get on the treadmill because my left hip is really hurting and I didn’t walk today. I also have my audiology appointment tomorrow (PWM and the kids are telling me I don’t hear so well these days). So, here’s to a good day tomorrow, Lord willing (and the creek don’t rise)!!

Botox–November 4, 2013

I got my Botox treatment today!! Within 48 hours, I won’t be able to raise my eyebrows or wiggle my ears. Never mind that I’ve never been able to wiggle my ears. I’m about three weeks late for this treatment (I forgot to call 6 weeks after the last treatment because I was in Florida and that’s when they get the insurance approval and set up the next appointment, etc.) so I’ve been having two weeks of terrible rebound headaches and the injections were particularly painful this time. Nonetheless, the fact that I rebounded when the Botox wore off is more evidence of how effective the treatments are.

Before I started seeing my current neurologist, I didn’t see a neurologist for several years and was having my family doctor treat my migraines. I knew there was a migraine expert at the referring neurology group, but I had had a very unpleasant appointment with him and he didn’t have anything new to offer for my chronic headache treatment, so my family doctor agreed to manage to my headaches. And things went well during those years. I would occasionally get overloaded on my acute medications and have to stop them and deal with the rebound headaches, but we expected those times.

When my family doctor left and I had to choose a new family doctor, I decided to see someone a few years younger than myself. She recommended a new neurologist who specializes in migraines. He’s so young! Or, I’m so old. In any case, this new guy had me go off my acute medications – again. This time, though, he gave me Botox to try to get through the rebound. I think he thought that once I got through the rebound that the headaches would get a lot better and we could wean off most of my meds. Alas, no. In fact, we’ve maxed out my meds and the Botox. But, I’m in a pretty tolerable place with my headaches. At least, when I have my Botox on board.

The thing I really like about my family doctor and my neurologist is that they take my headaches seriously. I know that sounds kind of crazy. Isn’t their job to take headaches seriously? Here’s the thing: I was in med school in the early 90s and there were certain diagnoses that didn’t get as much “respect” or “street cred” as others. Since there wasn’t much treatment for migraine at the time, people who came in with migraines could have had migraines or be drug seekers. Who could tell? Anyone with a chronic pain diagnosis without obvious physical findings was suspicious. How did we know that didn’t just want drugs, either for themselves or to sell? Yeah, I know. Talk about not having a “therapeutic relationship” with patients.

Med school was also an interesting time for med students in other ways. We were pushed to our limits, physically, mentally, and emotionally. We weren’t to show weakness – and that included pain. If you hurt, you worked through it. I went back to work 3 days after my appendectomy – and my attending physician joked about needing to see the pathology report if I needed to leave early that day (I stayed the whole time).

It was also the time that we were teaching patients about being responsible for their own health through diet and exercise. When someone had heart disease or uncontrolled diabetes, there was an undercurrent that it was somehow their fault. If the patient had just done a better job of things, they wouldn’t have high blood sugars or they wouldn’t need heart surgery. Of course, this isn’t true. Genetics plays as much a role as anything else in these things and plenty of otherwise hale and hearty folks ended up with heart surgery and plenty of folks who ate healthy and exercised still needed help managing their blood sugar.

All of this combined in me to give me this bizarre complex that my headaches are somehow my fault. When I was working, it almost killed me to have a partner have to cover call or deliver a baby because I had a migraine. It is still very emotionally difficult that I’m not working in medicine. I was trained to work no matter what, even if I was hungry, tired, not scheduled, whatever. I don’t know too many MDs who come out of Tulane without good work ethics.

Not only was I not “playing hurt”, but I didn’t even have a “real” disease. Migraine doesn’t have something you can measure easily like blood sugar, so it doesn’t feel “real” to me. Yet, my neurologist is very quick to point out that with today’s imaging, we can see that migraine is very real. We don’t need to do fMRI or PET scanning on everyone with migraine or chronic headaches, but the research is clear that our brains look different when we’re in pain. That’s what I need to hear.

One of  the things I work on with my counselor is this feeling that my headaches are somehow my fault so I should somehow be able to fix all this. These thoughts are becoming less frequent, but they still show up, especially when I have a really long headache (which is really odd since you would think I’d be less likely to think I have control over them when they last so long). I don’t know if other people with chronic pain feel the same way or not. I do know that all I can do right now is focus on what I know to be true – I have chronic migraine disease.

And, of course, pray. Lots of prayer. Along with all my other self-care things: exercise, healthy eating, meditation, relaxation, journaling, etc.

Denial–October 29, 2013

I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. I’m about two weeks late for my Botox and my appointment isn’t till next week. The headaches have been pretty intense and haven’t let up much at all. Not only does this make me unhappy, but it tends to mess up things at home, as well. I’m not available to cook, clean, or help Wild Man with his schoolwork.

I have had a couple of decent days scattered in among all the bad ones, though, and I’ve made a discovery. When I feel OK, I pretend that I don’t actually have chronic pain issues. I clean the house, cook meals, school the kid, etc., but I don’t do the things I should to keep myself healthy. I don’t eat well and make sure that there are healthy foods around for the next bad day(s). I don’t exercise, or if I do, I’m likely to overdo it and cause more pain for the next day.  I’m not likely to journal or meditate, practices that have helped me when I can do them consistently and are easier to do when I feel well.

When I feel well, I deny that I’m really sick. I don’t know if I’m the only one who does this or not. Migraines are easy to hide when I don’t have a bad one. And, really, I still feel like there’s some kind of stigma on them. Which is kind of crazy because I’ve sat in exam rooms and told patients that there is no reason to be ashamed of their chronic pain. But that’s another story.

Tonight, Wild Man had a choir concert in the Valley. I had awakened with the same headache that I’ve had for the last two weeks (and which is driving me and PWM up the wall!). I got desperate and finally took 600mg of ibuprofen, something I can only do a couple of times a year because of my chronic renal insufficiency (which was caused by chronic NSAID use). My headache was much, much better this evening and I was able to have an enjoyable evening.

I have no idea what tomorrow will be like, but whether my headache is bad or not, I still have chronic headaches. My first priority needs to be to take care of myself and then I’ll be better able to take care of my family and home.

No more denying my illness because I’m having a good day or two. I need to put forth the effort to take care of myself on good and bad days. No one is well-served by this fiction that I’m only sick on the bad days.

Roller Coaster Ride

 

I don’t like roller coaster rides. Unfortunately, my headaches make my life a roller coaster. On a good few days, I feel like things are going up. Then a migraine starts, and things start crashing down really fast. And I stay at the bottom for a while. And the cycle starts over.

Understanding the cycle is helping me prepare for it. When the migraines come, I know that I’m headed into a trough and I lower my expectations for what I’m going to get done. When I feel myself headed up, I’ll try to get more checked off my to-do list.

I may not like roller coaster rides, but I think this analogy may help me cope with the ups and downs of chronic headaches. If you deal with chronic illness, what coping mechanisms work for you?

 

 

So It Was Good That I Planned

I woke up yesterday morning with a rip-roaring migraine. I sat down at the table with my Imitrex and PWM read to me a Facebook message that a dear friend of mine had tried to commit suicide the night before (Sunday night). After a nice, long cry, I took my Imitrex. Which didn’t seem to help much.

The good thing about the day was that I had planned out Wild Man’s schoolwork, so he could just do what he needed without much input from me. It was also good that I had planned out meals and made a grocery list, so PWM went grocery shopping. I wasn’t up to making the meatloaf like I planned, so Rosie Girl ended up making some delicious Chicken-Asparagus Soup. Yum!! But, I now have the ingredients for the rest of the week.

I was feeling better today, so I took the laundry to the laundromat and got it all started, but then my headache came back just as bad as yesterday. PWM, Wild Man, and Rosie Girl all worked to get the clothes done while keeping the shop open, so I could come home and take my Imitrex and sleep the rest of the day. ACK!

As far as I know, Wild Man kept up with his schoolwork today since he had his list. And the three of them worked together to get the kitchen cleaned.

My friend is in the hospital and doing better. I got to chat with her on the computer a little bit tonight and am feeling more optimistic about her situation.

And I have no fixed engagements for tomorrow. I’m just praying that I get through with minimal headache. It’s seriously time for the Botox to kick in.

How have things been in your part of the world?

Looking At The Week Ahead–April 7, 2013

I’m not very good these days at planning for the next week. I haven’t quite gotten the hang of planning flexibly so that I’m not completely thrown off course by the inevitable migraine or two. Tonight, though, I’m having to plan at least a bit because I have a Botox appointment bright and early in the morning.

So, tomorrow morning is my Botox appointment. Since I haven’t been proactive enough to get a school schedule ready for Wild Man, I guess I’ll do that when I get home from the neurologist. The weather isn’t supposed to be too bad, so PWM and Rosie Girl will probably go car shopping (more on that in another post) after I get home in the van.

PWM got a bunch of strong guys to help move the rest of our big stuff out of the old house. Yay, we have a sofa!! Boo, the school room is full of stuff again!! I’ll spend some time this week putting things away and probably get the pictures up on the wall.

I’m have Wild Man take his first practice ACT tests this week! I’ve been very glad that the state doesn’t require that we test our kids. Standardized tests are a very poor indicator of anything except subsequent school performance (i.e. more tests). Rosie Girl is naturally a good test taker. I’m not sure about Wild Man. I’m concerned he may need more practice because of his dyslexia. He can read and understand things and do math problems, but I’ve seen him switch digits in his head before he writes them down. I wonder if he will have trouble getting the correct answer from his head onto the bubble sheet. Well, we’ll start to find out this week.

I should finish the pair of socks I’m working on within a day or two. Then, Rosie Girl and I need to choose a pattern for the messenger bag I’ve promised to make for her to take to college.

Having all the big stuff moved over here means that the piano is here!! I cleaned a ton of dust and pollen off the keys. Not only has it been in the empty house for several weeks, but Rosie Girl generally practices on her keyboard. Now I need to get it tuned. Not only does it sound out of tune, but I know that it doesn’t like to be moved.

But, first, time to watch “Chopped” and then get a good night’s rest.

The In-Between Days

Today was one of those days that is really hard for me. I didn’t feel well, but I didn’t have a rip-roaring migraine, either. I was tired, achy, and had a moderate headache (about a 5/10) and felt worse whenever I did anything physical.

These days are hard because I’m not obviously ill like when I have a bad migraine, but I’m not feeling quite up to doing much. So I end up feeling pretty useless most of the day, thinking that I “should” be able to get up and clean something or organize something or (this week) pack something.

When I have a good day, I’m at least emotionally healthy enough to see that my bad and in-between days are unproductive days, but my worth isn’t measured in productivity. On my in-between days, I quite often feel down and moody, so I have trouble thinking clearly and get stuck on a spiral of negativity.

Another problem with in-between days is that they are often precursors to “real” migraines. As I look at the weather coming up tomorrow, I think that may be the case with how I feel today. Yuck.

There’s nothing to do about this except pray and keep telling myself what is true to try to get through the “Oh, I’m so useless” messages.

That’s all. More fun in my headache-filled life.

More About Headaches

So my head barely hurts right now. I know. Amazing!

I had three days of infused medications: D.H.E., Reglan, dexamethasone, magnesium, and Depacon. The first day was the hardest because the D.H.E. makes the headache temporarily worse and makes me quite nauseous. On days 2 and 3, I brought my ice packs and also took some Zofran during the late morning. I had far less headache, but I still had a fair amount of nausea. Today (day 3) was definitely the best. I started with the lowest headache level, so I ended up feeling the best afterward. And, the magnesium didn’t burn today. On the first two days, the magnesium (which was given last, thankfully) burned going in to my veins and made it so I needed new iv sites on the last two days. Today, I think the iv was in a large enough vein that the magnesium was just fine.

The plan now is for me to see the neurologist again in a couple of weeks to discuss the plan of treatment. I’m also going to Physical Therapy and trying to slowly increase my neck exercises. My neck is still really sore and that may be why the two weeks prior to this were so bad.

So, let’s pray that this reprieve lasts several days!

More Migraine Fun

And fun it was! I had a headache ranging from a 5/10 to a 7/10 so I was happy to start my 3 days of iv medications today. Rosie Girl drove me to the neurology office. I was the only one getting meds for the first couple of hours, so they let her have the recliner next to me.

The first really fun thing was that the first iv attempt infiltrated. Ack! I hate needles. But, the nurse was very nice and had the phlebotomist come for the second – and successful – attempt. Then, I got Reglan to prevent nausea from the D.H.E. It kept me from actually vomiting, but the D.H.E. actually made the headache temporarily worse and made me quite nauseous. Thankfully, the Reglan kept me from actually vomiting.

That was the worst of the afternoon. I then got dexamethasone (a steroid), Depacon (a seizure medication), and some magnesium. We wrapped things up with thirty minutes of straight iv fluids, just to make sure I’d need a bathroom nearby for several hours, I guess! But, by the time we were done, my headache was down to a 3/10. I do have some interesting side effects like jitteriness and heartburn, but since the meds were iv, I expect they’ll only last a day or so.

We get to do the same thing tomorrow and the next day. Yippee! I feel like we’re at least doing something – and I feel better now than I did this morning. I really hope we can calm down the headaches enough for me to do my physical therapy exercises and get all this muscle strain in my neck to relax. Then we can really deal with the migraines.

So, that’s what’s up in my little corner of the world.

A Missive on Migraines

Did ya see that alliteration? Huh? As a homeschooling mama, I’m pretty proud of myself! Now, to get my kids to see and use alliteration. . . .

On to more important (?) things. My head and the pain therein.

So, I’m still seeing this neurologist who seems to know what he’s up to. And he listens to me and doesn’t think I’m crazy (although he didn’t quite know what to make of the needle phobia). I went back last Tuesday (9/25) for my next scheduled Botox treatment. I told the Neurologist that the treatment had probably worked – the headaches were probably 30% less intense, but no less frequent. And I’d had a 4 day raging migraine the week before, the timing of which added weight to the fact that the Botox might have been helpful. We decided to go ahead with another series of Botox. Since I haven’t had a completely headache free day in long enough that I can’t remember when, he offered to do an occipital block which has a 95% chance of giving me complete migraine relief for 1 day to 2 weeks. The other 5% have no improvement or worsening of the headache. Well, with my parents coming, I thought 95% were good odds.

The doctor did the Botox (which was a bit more painful this time since I still had a bit of a migraine from the day before) and then did the occipital block (which took all of 2 seconds). By the time I got to the car, the back of my head was numb and I was feeling pretty good, not to mention optimistic. Unfortunately, by the time I got back to Weyauwega, the right side of my arm and neck were hurting, as if the medication had traveled down some tissue planes or something. The left side seemed OK.

The neck and arm weirdness improved by that night. But, by the next morning, my headache was up to an 8/10 and stayed there all day. And Thursday, it was a 7/10. Friday, it let up to about a 6. Thankfully, it seemed to calm down, which was nice because my parents got into town that afternoon. But, the headache returned back to a 5+ on Sunday morning and worsened during the day. On Monday, it was only a 6 and I thought I’d be OK. I had called the neurologist on Friday, so when his nurse called on Monday and offered some steroids or a 3 day hospitalization for another medication, I figured I was OK to decline it. Until Tuesday when I had a rip-roaring migraine at about an 8 all day which went up to a 9-10 at 4 am on Wednesday am. Thankfully, some Imitrex and Zofran and Compazine got me down off the ceiling. With a few naps, I managed to get back into a normal range. I called neuro again and said I’d like to try the steroid.

So, here I sit. Awake. Due to a combination of sleeping all day and being hyped up on Dexamethasone. I’m also keeping a heating pad on my neck because I injured it a month ago. I see occupational therapy about trying to calm that down in a week or so.

I think I’m in really good hands with this neurologist. He’s up on all the literature. I come home and check out the things he’s doing (I still have access to the medical literature) and he seems to be on target. He’s willing to adjust medications as well as do Botox and other interventions. This  time around, he wants to see me in six weeks. I’m doing a better job of keeping a headache diary. And still seeing my therapist.

And, on my good days, I’m a Yarn Diva. I prefer that title to Headache Queen. Maybe soon I’ll be able to use it more often.

Some Things I’m Learning About Myself

I’m probably going to ramble. I have a migraine. You’ve been warned.

I still struggle with the idea that the migraines are somehow my fault. If I ate better, exercised more, handled stress better, or was just somehow a better person, I wouldn’t have migraines and would still be working. And that would also make me a more valuable person because somehow having an M.D. but selling yarn is just not right. (FYI, the rational part of my brain understands that these thoughts are not correct, but they’re hard to overcome when I have a migraine because my head hurts and all the neurons are firing in the wrong order or something and I go a little crazy. Yesterday, I was totally loving my life in yarn – and I’m pretty sure I will again as soon as this migraine lets up.)

I also have trouble with the idea that I’m a picky eater. Somehow, that is also my fault. If I could just get over myself, I’d be able to eat all those gorgeous fruits and veggies – never mind the fact that when they actually hit my tongue, I gag and have been known to vomit. This feeling gets worse when I have a migraine, but I’m rather insecure about the picky eating thing all the time. (You’re surprised that I’m a functioning adult? Don’t worry, so am I!)

I’m reading a book right now called Suffering Succotash which is about picky eaters. It has been wonderful in helping me understand that most of my pickiness is likely genetic. There may be a few things I can do to expand my palate (which I’m willing to try), but my pickiness is not a moral failing.

I totally realize that believing my pickiness is my fault is not terribly rational. Somewhere in my perfectionism, I came to believe that anything imperfect about myself must necessarily be my fault – acne, body shape, food preferences, lack of athletic ability, inability to paint my nails neatly, etc. On a spiritual level, though, (you knew I’d go there, didn’t you?) it’s more than just perfectionism. If I can’t accept less than perfection, I’m turning my nose up at who God made me to be.

We live in a fallen world and we’re fallen creatures. Only God is perfect. When I require myself to be perfect, I’m trying to be God. And that doesn’t work out very well. In fact, there are days when I’m not doing such a great job of being me.

What am I learning about myself?

1. Not to trust my emotions when I have migraines because the migraines themselves mess up my brain chemicals.
2. It’s OK to cry, especially during a migraine, because of the aforementioned brain chemical mess.
3. Migraines are still not my fault.
4. Being a picky eater isn’t my fault.
5. I can go a week or longer without sugar without dying. (Yes, I have proven this recently. And I even ate more fruits and veggies to make up for it. Not more variety, mind you, just more of the ones I already like.)
6. I can live without chocolate. And when I do get to have chocolate again, I want the good stuff.
7. I’m a recovering perfectionist. I must be getting better, though, because there’s a load of unfolded laundry in the dining room that hasn’t been calling to me.

There’s another bit of my life I’m learning about. I guess I should thank God for the migraines since it’s given me such great opportunities for introspection!

In the meantime, though, please remember to pray for the Gulf Coast. I went to college in Baton Rouge and medical school in New Orleans and still have lots of family in that area. The damage from Isaac is not nearly as devastating as that from Katrina, but there will be lots of clean-up. You can always donate to the American Red Cross to help defray some of the relief costs. Also, Haiti had still not recovered from the earthquake when Isaac went through there. Food for the Poor is an excellent organization that is already working in that area and is accepting donations to provide clean water and food. Haiti’s relief efforts have been significantly hampered by a major cholera outbreak. Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

What are you learning these days? How did you fare through Isaac? How can I pray for you or your family?

Where is God when it hurts?

We’ve been watching a lot of Olympic coverage here at Chez Martin. We’ve heard Gabby Douglas and Lolo Jones (and others) talk about their faith, and it’s great to hear these young people willing share that this is an important part of their lives. The questions become more complex, though, when these athletes who claim Christian faith don’t win the medals. How does that fit with “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”? This article at Christianity Today gives a nice response, but I want to go into a bit more depth here.

Does God promise us an easy life, a perfect life? No. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that we get to win gold medals if we live good Christian lives. In fact, we are told to expect problems and difficulties. John 16:33 “. . . In this world you will have trouble. But, take heart! I have overcome the world!” But Jesus said that he is with us and has already beaten them!

We’re never alone. God is always with us, even when life really sucks. The Psalmist writes in Psalm 139:

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Our life circumstances may not be what we want or expected – I have chronic headaches, Lolo Jones didn’t get a medal, etc. – but God is walking through it with us. If that’s not comforting, I don’t know what is!

James 1:2-4 tells us to “² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Some of these athletes that we’re watching on TV are in the process of losing their dreams. Where is God in that? He’s right there. He’s teaching His children through every circumstance, Olympic or mundane, to love Him and serve him more.

God is not like Santa Claus – if we’re good, we get presents. God allows us to live through the circumstances of life, whether of our making, someone else’s, or just “random” (although with God holding together the universe, nothing is truly random). And then God uses those events to teach us and mold us to be more like him.

Let’s also look at who Jesus hung around with. He chose to be with the poorest and most humble of people. His disciples were fishermen – not exactly the upper crust of society. He had dinner with Pharisees (religious leaders) and with Lazarus (rich but immoral), but he also spent time with outcasts like the Samaritan woman. So, while it’s certainly not wrong to pursue excellence like gold medals, it’s also important to remember that Jesus doesn’t love successful people any more than he loves anyone else.

And what about Philippians 4:16 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me.” [NKJV] Let’s look at the entire passage.

¹⁰ I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. ¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

It appears that Paul is saying that he can be content in all circumstances through Jesus’ strength, not that he can do whatever he pleases. I heard in church so often that if we just prayed enough, we could do anything. At times, that message would be tempered by saying that we could do anything that was God’s will. Yet, it appears that Paul is trying to tell us that he has the strength to be content in any situation through Jesus. It’s an incredibly important lesson, but quite different from the usual interpretation.

When we think about Christ strengthening us, maybe we need to think about him strengthening us to be content. When life doesn’t work out the way we want or expect, Jesus is still walking right there with us. When we fall, He picks us up.

Where is God when it hurts? Right beside me.

 

Mourning

At Family Camp this year, Jill Briscoe asked if God had ever taken away one of our dreams. She told a story about how she had dreamed that her mother would visit her in the US, but her mother died before she ever made that visit. Jill talked about mourning the loss of that dream and how God gave her new dreams.

I’m mourning the loss of my medical career, at least the way that I knew it. If I do go back to the practice of medicine, it won’t be practicing medicine the way that I was used to. I won’t deliver babies again or do hospital work. If I practice medicine again, it will probably be outpatient medicine only. Long hours and late nights don’t go well with someone with headache issues!

Only in the last year or so have I been willing to face that reality. I went through high school and college with the intention of going to medical school. I had a few thoughts of other career trajectories – a piano teacher said that I should consider a music career and I debated getting a PhD in Sociology and becoming a researcher and professor. But, in the end, I went to medical school and enjoyed it (well, as much as one can enjoy sleeplessness and general abuse). I loved being a family doctor. I felt like part of the community. Sure, the work was hard, but it was a good kind of hard.

Now that I’ve been out of it for so long, I’m not sure that I want to go back, though. Going back into medicine after being away for a long time is really hard. And running a yarn shop is allowing me to tap into some creative parts of me that I didn’t know even existed until recently. I’m not concerned about my education being “wasted”. All education is a good thing; besides, it gives me an extra advantage in educating my kids.

I’m still mourning, though. It’s a loss. At least my counselor says so. And she encourages me to have my feelings even though I really don’t like feeling sad. (Why can’t I just say “oh, well” and move on?)

The Bible has plenty to say about mourning and then about being renewed.

In this section of Jeremiah, the Jews have been carried off into exile. Nobody is happy about the situation. But, God has Jeremiah prophesy that He knows what is going on and that He will eventually take care of things. Earlier in Jeremiah 29, Jeremiah’s letter tells the exiles that God wants them to settle in the land of exile and live patiently because God is control and has plans for them. In chapter 30, God (through Jeremiah) acknowledges their weeping and mourning and tells them that He will eventually turn it into gladness. Note that He doesn’t say to “get over it” or “be happy”, but to wait expectantly because He is in control.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans^(A) I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper^(B) you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.^(C)

Jeremiah 30:13 Then young women will dance and be glad,
young men and old as well.
I will turn their mourning^(AP) into gladness;
I will give them comfort^(AQ) and joy^(AR) instead of sorrow.

The same message is given in the New Testament. In the Beatitudes, Jesus says “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). We are told that Jesus mourned the death of Lazarus (John 11:35). Jesus also tells us “In this world you will have trouble. But, take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

I’m mourning right now. While my emotions may be up and down (also partly a casualty of the migraines), I can hang on to the promises that those who mourn will be comforted and that Jesus has overcome the world. Besides, I love the yarn shop. I think that one day I’m going to look back and say that medicine was the early part of my life and yarn is the later part and Jesus is all through it.

Have you had any dreams that you had to give up? How did you handle it? What are your favorite scriptures when you are mourn?

 

Migraine

I’m convinced that migraine headache is a misnomer. The correct term should be “migraine attack”. As anyone who has had more than a couple of migraines can tell you, the attacks take over the entire body. What is interesting, though, is that headache and nausea seem to be the only two symptoms that everyone has. I’ve talked to lots of people with migraines, both in my role as physician and not, and found that there are lots of neurological and non-neurological symptoms that can be associated with these attacks. Here are some of mine:

• One of my more recent ones has been to develop crying spells about 6 or 8 hours before the headache pain begins. And the crying isn’t actually about anything. I just cry. This happened at church this weekend. We started singing the last worship song and I started sobbing for no good reason. It took a good fifteen minutes for the crying to stop, and by then I could feel all the other emotional changes starting.
• Irritability. This usually starts an hour or two before the headache. PWM sent me home from the yarn shop one day before the headache started because he could tell I was getting irritable and knew that things could only get worse. Not that I snap at customers, just that it’s hard to be “normal” when part of my brain is plotting how to get away from the rest of the world.
• GI symptoms. I never get heartburn except during a migraine attack. Sometimes it starts before the headache, sometimes after. And, of course, there’s the nausea (and, hopefully not, vomiting).
• Sleep disruption. Even after the headache pain is controlled, I have trouble sleeping during the attack. I think it’s all part of the crazy brain chemistry.
• Myalgia or diffuse muscle pain. This usually happens late in a migraine attack. My migraines last from 12 to 36 hours, so the myalgias generally start somewhere after about 8 or 10 hours. Moving hurts, being touched hurts. It’s not good.

There are probably more diffuse symptoms that I don’t remember right now. The point is that migraines aren’t just headaches – they’re “everything hurts” attacks.

One of the things I like about my neurologist is that he understands this. He is treating the headache part most aggressively right now because that is what is most debilitating and because it appears that stopping the headache part can abort the attack, which is why I had the Botox treatment. He doesn’t look at me like I’m crazy when I tell him about my muscle pain or my sleep issues. He doesn’t think I’m crazy because I also have a diagnosis of fibromyalgia. In fact, he said that recent fMRI (functional MRI) studies show changes in the brain that suggest that fibromyalgia is like a migraine all over the body. Which makes complete sense because the myalgias I get during the migraine attacks are like the worst fibromyalgia attack I’ve ever had.

I’m not going to get profound or anything like that tonight. Migraines suck. My treatment is not great right now, but I have a family doctor and neurologist who care that my treatment isn’t great and want to help me get better, if possible. But, they also haven’t guaranteed me anything. I’m thrilled to be listened to and to have a neurologist who is realistic. A cure would be great, but getting through 3 or 4 days without an attack would be a really good start. We’re not there yet, but it’s actually OK. God is still good, even when every part of my body hurts. (It’s easy to say that today since I had a pretty good day! I pray I can say that the next time I’m stuck with a big migraine!)

That’s all. Just some crazy migraine talk from my little part of the world. So, what’s up with you?