Last night, I finished a sock I was knitting, only to realize that it’s actually the right size for a child, not the adult for whom I was knitting. I got very angry and threw the sock across the room. Wow. The rush of emotions that overcame me was completely unexpected.
For one thing, I think the Topamax I had been taking had also been keeping my moods pretty even. (Lots of anti-seizure medications can also be used as mood stabilizers.) For another thing, I don’t believe in anger and other negative emotions. Well, at least, I didn’t. Yes, that’s another thing my counselor has been helping me with.
I don’t like strong negative emotions. They lead to yelling, screaming, and throwing things – like the sock. In my control-freakness, I tried to suppress these kinds of emotions so that I didn’t even feel them. I “knew” that it was OK to feel anger but that we should be able to feel and express it without hurting other people. But, I didn’t actually “know” it deep down. So, instead of expressing anger appropriately, I suppressed it completely.
Now that the Topamax is out of my system, I get to have more practice with having strong emotions and expressing them appropriately. BTW, I generally don’t approve of throwing things, but it was a sock and I was the only one still up.
The Bible tells us not to sin when we get angry, but allows for anger. God got angry with Israel quite a few times. Jesus was angry with the money-changers in the temple. It’s OK to be angry, even with people. And it’s OK to raise my voice if I need to get someone’s attention.
Not being a perfectionist and control-freak is a lot of work.