Depression

So, I have depression. And I have had for several years.

I’d like to say it’s because of my headaches. Does that make a difference? Is depression more acceptable if there’s a “cause”? I’m depressed because I have a headache most of the time. I’m depressed because I can’t work. I’m depressed because . . . .

How about this? I’m depressed because. Just because. Because my neurotransmitters don’t work the way they’re supposed to.

I’d like to think there’s a reason underlying my depression because otherwise I start to think it’s somehow my fault that I get sad and want to cry a lot. I think that if I were a stronger person that I’d be able to “get over it”. Being depressed for no good reason seems like a character flaw.

And I think all those wrong things despite getting a very good education in college, medical school, and beyond that depression is an illness of the brain that can be treated and is not caused by “bad character”.

I’ve never even been to churches that teach that Christians shouldn’t be depressed. (Although I’ve read some articles that suggest that.)

So, yeah, I have depression.

And it’s worse than usual right now despite my medications. This winter feels like it has been longer than usual. We decided to move in the winter (crazy? yes. but lots of other benefits, so we gritted our teeth and moved.) and are just now finishing getting boxes emptied. I’ve been taking my thyroid medication with my iron so that neither one was getting absorbed, so I’ve got low thyroid and iron levels. My treadmill is at the other house so I’m not exercising enough.

So, what do I do?

I get out of bed in the morning. Every. Blasted. Morning.

I get dressed every day (well, except when I have a really bad migraine).

I take my meds.

I have the curtains open, have heavy duty lights by my chair, and take Vitamin D.

I read my Bible.

I see my counselor.

I think really hard about exercising. And occasionally actually use the Wii Fit.

Mostly I keep going. A crying spell here or there. (I watched Les Mis yesterday while I was home alone just for a reason to have a good cry. It was therapeutic.)

That’s it. I’m depressed. I really hope you’re not.