Angry at God

Yes, I am angry at God. I realize that this is a little dangerous, with Him being armed with lightening bolts and all, but there it is.

I have had a terrible two weeks - that's the reason for no blogging -it isn't really that we have had such a boring life! Two weeks ago I stopped my last migraine prevention medication. It was an antidepressant. EEK! The first week was particularly bad. I had forgotten what all those emotions feel like. By the third day, I was having regular crying spells, including getting really mad at God. It didn't help that the headaches seemed to have gotten worse for this two weeks. So, on the fourth day, I went in to see my counselor. I told her about my crying spells and how I had gotten so angry with God the day before. Being a counselor, she said, "Really? I've been wondering if we need to talk about anger." EEK! EEK!

So, I know that I am allowed to have angry feelings and to question God. But, that doesn't mean that I have to like it. I thought that I was OK with my new life as a stay at home mom, etc. Apparently, though, I failed to mention it to my emotions. There is a part of me that really didn't want to give up practicing medicine. OK, a big part of me. And, I still have the headaches, so I have been feeling very guilty about not getting as much homeschooling done as I would like.

The emotional ups and downs are getting better over the last couple of weeks. I still feel like "it's just not fair" sometimes. The logical part of me says that God doesn't have to be fair, and, besides, I have migraines, not cancer or lupus. This could be a lot worse.

I also have a certain picture of homeschooling that I am just not able to live up to. I would like to spend lots of good time with my kids, discussing events and ideas, doing projects, involving them in things around the house. What has happened is that L has just gotten further behind on her writing and math (I'm not worried about her science and social studies since she learns so much from just reading). When I haven't felt well, very little got done. Yes, she reads a lot, but there is a certain amount of stuff that she should be learning at this age. P and I have had lots of discussions the last couple of weeks about how to handle the schooling. P is concerned that I left the full-time practice of medicine for the full-time job of homeschooling mom. We have discussed everything from sending L to school, to online school, to changing our homeschool routines. What we have settled with right now is that L has a certain amount of work to do each day. If she gets this done in less than four hours (or if I'm not available to help with the stuff she can't do on her own like spelling), then she spends the rest of her four hours of "school" doing more math, Spanish, typing, etc. So far, so good. Although, the threat of school was pretty big for her. She likes her one art class per day and has no interest in going to school all day!

I really don't like all the things that I've had to give up. I'm trying to paint some of the house, but I can't just paint one room in a couple of days. I get so sore and headache-y that it has taken me 4 days to do half of one wall. I am eating much better these days, but it hasn't helped the headaches or fatigue yet. I even gave up my Diet Pepsi (although I do indulge a couple of times a week if I'm really stressed!). I'm frustrated that I can't always have a clean house. Of course, I would probably drive the rest of the family nuts with my perfectionistic tendencies - maybe it's better this way. Mostly, I'm tired of my head hurting. I hope that it will at least calm down to baseline over the next week or two. The one advantage to stopping all these medications is that I'm not near as hungry!!

I'm reading the book of Matthew again - planning to go through all the Gospels. Jesus was never stressed and never got behind. I am convicted about how much Jesus prayed - and he was God!! If God the Son had to spend so much time with God the Father, I'm sure I need to spend even more time. Some days, though, I feel like all I do is tell God how bad things are. How do I reconcile these crazy emotions with what I know to be true? God loves me - so much that Jesus died for me. God is in control of everything. God works everything out for his glory. All I can do anymore is pray.