I was going to write a top ten list of things not to say to someone with chronic migraines or other chronic illness, but I couldn't come up with ten. Then, I decided that I needed to also add what you could say that would be helpful instead of hurtful (or frustrating or just disheartening). I think people mean well but just don't know what to say to someone with chronic illness. What often comes out is not supportive. So, here's something to help you.
Top Three Things Not to Say to Someone with Chronic Migraines
1. Don't they know what causes it yet? Yes, it's called migraines, and there is no cure, just treatments. Yes, I have had my head scanned and no, I don't have a brain tumor.
2. I heard about (this, that or the other) on/in TV/magazine/internet. You really have to try it. (Variations: My family member/friend tried so&so and it really worked for them, or you should really try some diet modification since that works for some people.) Yes, I've heard and read about a zillion different treatments, and I've tried lots of them. If there was a miracle cure for migraines, my doctor and I would have come across it.
3. You have to come see my (doctor, dentist, chiropractor, etc.). I'm sure they can help you. Thank you for the thought, but I've already seen three neurologists, a couple of chiropractors, and have read everything I can about my condition.
Top Three Things to Say to Someone with Chronic Migraines
1. I'm so sorry you're still in pain. I will pray for you. And, then, pray for the person.
2. I'm so sorry you're still not feeling well. May I (bring you a meal, help clean your house, do some laundry, whatever you can offer)? Be prepared to follow through because I may take you up on it. But, if things are going pretty well right now, I might not. So, it's OK to ask again another time.
3. I'm so sorry you're still sick. I read about someone who was chronically ill but God really used them through their illness. I thought about you, because I can see God working in your life. Believe it or not, someone actually said this to me. I was walking on air for a day or so. Of course, don't say it to someone about whom it's not true. But, if you do see God working in someone's life, go ahead and tell them. This comment really put a lot of stuff into perspective for me.
1 comment:
For the record, I know what it's like to have people tell you how to take care of your health issues. I had several friends try to get me to see their chiropractor when my neck was hurting me, but I went and found me a good orthopedic surgeon to fix me up. Even after my surgery and great recovery, I still had someone tell me I should go see their chiropractor.
That being said, I will take this opportunity to respond to your top three things not to say to someone with chronic migraines.
1. You didn't tell us what causes them. You state that they know what causes them, but you didn't tell us what actually causes them.
2. Try more of them.
3. Not including yourself, and according to your own count, you've seen six doctors about your migraines. See more. Perhaps you should even consider trying to see some specialists in other states.
I know I'm just being "mean" but that's what little brothers are for.
Happy Birthday,
-C
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