It’s happening again. I’m feeling the hands pulling me down into depression while I’m trying so hard to stay up into normalcy. This isn’t new. Depression is part of the whole “chronic illness” thing.
I get depressed because of how the chronic migraine illness has affected my life and how that makes me sad. But, I’m also depressed because chronic illness, especially chronic pain, affects the neurotransmitters in the brain. So, pretty much everyone with chronic illness ends up with depression and finds that life is better on anti-depressants.
This go-round with depression is because of a couple of things. First of all, we decreased the dose of one of my anti-depressants because my mood had been so stable. That was about three months ago. I really don’t want to have to increase that dose again because I’ve lost ten pounds and I had a little less fatigue immediately after the dose decrease.
Sending Wild Man to school is another obvious “loss” from the chronic migraines. There are lots and lots of reasons the Wild Man is better off at school this year than being homeschooled, but I have an overwhelming (probably irrational) feeling that the migraines are THE reason we aren’t homeschooling anymore.
I’m feeling more and more angry about how the migraines have taken over my life. And I don’t see things changing anytime soon. I have an M.D. to put behind my name, but no way to use it right now. Even if the migraines went away today, I have too many cognitive side effects from my medications to try to do anything as mentally taxing as practicing medicine. I won’t be homeschooling Wild Man this year because it’s too hard to keep up with all my headaches.
I’m tired. I’m finding it hard to be happy. I’d sleep all day if I could.
But, being a planner, I have a plan. Get up every morning. Do yoga, even if just a little bit. Eat real food. Get a shower. Get dressed. Walk. Meditate. Read books. Knit. Go places with friends. See my counselor. (Of course, all plans are off when the headaches get above an 8.)
I just don’t know if I can do this plan. PWM is being so helpful. He’s making sure there’s plenty of healthy food that I actually like. He’s encouraging without being obnoxious.
Like all depressive phases, I’ll get through this one. If what I’ve planned so far doesn’t work, I’ll talk to my doctor about meds. And I’ve never been suicidal. Just wanted to sleep for days on end.
That’s the most optimistic that this post gets. I never truly despair because I’m walking with Jesus, but Jesus is pretty quiet right now. You could pray for me. That would be good. I would like this to be done with as quickly as possible. Which is why I’m going to try as hard as I can to get my butt on the treadmill tomorrow morning. God help me.