Lagniappe 11/19/2016

I've been home for a week and I'm so content. I'm really such a homebody these days. My month with my parents was good. They are recovering from their surgeries well. It was great to see my brother and his family again, too.

• I got back into Wisconsin exactly a week ago. I expected Patrick to pick me up from the airport, but actually, he and both kids picked me up!! Yay! I felt very loved!
• Patrick signed up for Blue Apron while I was gone. He made several of the meals and liked them. He and I made the last one together on Thursday and it was delicious! The only problem is that we didn't make the beet-cranberry agrodolce because the beet was all squishy because we should have made it about four days earlier. Besides, something with both beets and cranberries would have been very "challenging" for my palate. After the first of the year, we'll be trying some more of the Blue Apron meals. And, it turns out that Patrick and I do a really good job cooking together!
• Chris got into Concert Choir for next semester!! He told me last week that the audition was last Thursday and then he let me know the audition results at the airport!! I'm so happy for him. He has worked really hard on his sight-singing and aural skills this semester.
• Lydia is now working full-time at her job. She spent the first three months technically working for the temp agency that got her the job. Now that she's officially working for the company, she gets next Thursday and Friday as paid holidays (something that never happened when she worked in hospitality). And, a couple of weeks ago, she got moved to a job that she wanted (doing inventory) in which she is not constantly on her feet and that starts at 8am instead of at 6am. And, it came with a raise! Overall, she's pretty happy with her work status.
• Lydia was also very excited this week because she got a turkey at work! Of course, she can't even think about cooking it in her tiny oven, but it's 12 pounds, so we'll just use it for our Thanksgiving turkey. One less thing for me to buy!
• I spent my first couple of days at home not sleeping well and just getting a bit done here and there. Finally, on Wednesday, I decluttered part of the living room and cleaned the kitchen. I had major plans for the rest of the week, but I woke up with a migraine on Thursday that has not let loose since then. Ugh.
• LSU lost to Florida today. It's not good for me when Florida wins. So many of my high school friends are from UF (I grew up in West Palm Beach) that my FB feed turns blue and orange when Florida beats LSU. Not good.
• I'm knitting my fingers to the bones. It's getting time for Christmas presents!! And I've chosen some lovely yarn, so it's fun for me to knit!
• Big news: I got all seven of the Harry Potter novels on audio from Pottermore! Yay!
• And, I learned something while listening to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. We learn about the vanishing cabinet in Borgin and Burkes, which I already knew about. But, we also learn about how the vanishing cabinet in Hogwarts gets broken! Harry gets in trouble with Filch and is taken to his office. To distract Filch, Nearly Headless Nick has Peeves cause a distraction, which is to drop the vanishing cabinet in a classroom directly over Filch's office. Filch exclaims that Peeves has now broken a very valuable vanishing cabinet! This becomes important in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix when the Weasley twins stuff Montague into the cabinet. And, it's of major importance in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince because Draco Malfoy repairs it so that the Death Eaters can enter the school. Wow. Rowling really planned this thing out.
• Christmas Mint M&Ms are out!! I'm really trying to limit myself. Really.
• Next week is Thanksgiving, so I'll be cooking and cooking and even more cooking!! 

More later about politics, books I'm reading, and things Jesus is teaching me. What are you up to? Comments are always welcomed!!

CCM

What I'm Up To

School is about to start which means that Chris (Wild Man) is about to go off to college (although I expect he'll be home a lot of weekends) and Patrick (PWM) will be back to teaching. And, I'll be home with the cats during the day. What's someone with chronic migraine to do?

What will I do with myself? I thought about taking a seminary class on Genesis or New Testament Survey. The problem is that my headaches tend to show up at inconvenient times - like when papers are due or when online discussion groups are scheduled. I might try it another time, but I've got a few other things to keep me busy until then.

It turns out that I have a bunch of books that I've purchased or that have been given to me that I haven't read (or started and haven't finished) yet. This fall seems like the perfect opportunity.

• The Jesus Creed by Scot McKnight (almost done)
• Hearing God by Dallas Willard
• A Fine-Tuned Universe by Alister McGrath
• C.S. Lewis: A Life by Alister McGrath
• Confessions by St. Augustine (Lydia and I are reading this together and getting together for discussions every month or so.)
• The King Jesus Gospel by Scot McKnight
• Serious Dangerous Religion by Iain Provan
• Darwinism and the Divine by Alister McGrath
• Ancient-Future Time by Robert E. Webber
• black and white bible: black and blue wife by Ruth Tucker
• The Heaven Promise by Scot McKnight
• The Epistles of St. John by F.F. Bruce

Now that I look at the list, it seems a little daunting. It might take more than the fall, especially since I plan to continue to reading some fiction from the library on the side. As always, friend me on Goodreads (Catherine Martin) to see what I'm reading and what I've thought of my recent reads.

Of course, I'm going to knit. I've got a few projects planned for the next year or two.

• Christmas presents - No, I won't tell you what they are. Some of the recipients read this blog.
• A Fair Isle sweater from a kit from Knit Picks. I actually made this sweater several years ago in XL. Unfortunately, when I was washing and blocking it, I thought I could get away with spinning it in the dryer for a couple of minutes to get a bit of the water out of it. No. It felted. I ordered a couple more balls of yarn and I'm working on another sweater. I've got the sleeves almost done. I'm much more confident on this sweater now that I know how to knit and cut steeks.
• I love modular knitting. I found a cool pattern in a book that I have and I actually have enough yarn to make it!! It's a short sleeved sweater, so I'll probably try to make it for spring.
• I'm working on a double-knit scarf. I wanted to enter it in the County Fair this year, but I've only got six inches done so far and the Fair is next week. I'm on row 70 out of 500. Yeah. I'll enter it in the Fair next year. But, I'll work on it this year.
• For when my head aches and I don't want to think, I'm making a blanket that's mostly garter stitch.
• When I get another itch to organize something I'll organize all my works-in-progress (WIPs).

Other things I want to do between headaches

• Coloring! I've got my coloring books and pencils that are great for a rainy day.
• Pokemon Go! I am having a great time with this game. I've changed my walking routine so that I can stop by a couple of PokeStops for PokeBalls a couple of times.
• Internet Monk (www.internetmonk.com) is doing a study on the book of James that I'm following along with.
• Clean out the basement. We have stuff that needs to be given away and stuff to be thrown away.
• Clean the upstairs closet. This will take all of 30 minutes once I set my mind to it. I hope.
• Re-organize my room. When we made Lydia's room into a room for our exchange student, we emptied her desk's contents into a box and left the box in our room. I need to deal with that box along with other stuff in our room.

Right now, though, the Olympics are on, so I am going to watch the Olympics and knit.

What are your plans for the Fall? Anything interesting?

CCM

What I've Been Up To

So, here's your basic update on life since I've been neglecting my blog.

1. Family Camp. It was super fun, as always! I had two bad migraine days and one moderate migraine day. The weather was gorgeous except for one storm - see above re: migraine. The speaker this year is from the Milwaukee area and spoke about love. His whole week's worth of talks is summed up in this: Love. One. Another. 

2. Kids' Family Camp Stuff. We took Wild Man's girlfriend, J, to camp with us again this year. For the all-camp fun day, they did a bunch of station games with a talent show in the evening. Wild Man sang "America" while J did her flag routine. They were a rousing success! 

Wild Man, Rosie Girl, and J did a rap that I can't begin to successfully explain. Wild Man did the beat-boxing. Rosie Girl and J were Peter and Paul having the argument in Galatians 2:11-21. It was beyond amazing. And frighteningly theological.

Wild Man did music stuff (of course), playing bass one day and drums one day. And, he won the carpetball tournament!! They didn't have the archery tournament because of rain - if he had placed in that tournament (which he has for the last few years), I would have tried to get some of his ice cream!

3. Migraines. Yes. I still have them. No, I don't enjoy them.

4. Books. I have discovered the author Terry Brooks. I am loving his Word and Void series and am getting started on one of his Shannara novels. Friend me on Goodreads to see what all I'm reading these days. (I think it's mostly up to date!)

5. Knitting. The Waupaca County Fair is coming up! I've got two items completed and two yet to go. The hardest thing is remembering my form - due this week.

6. Pokemon Go. Are you playing? Rosie Girl thought Christmas had come early when she heard that I signed up. I love collecting the critters and evolving them. But, I'm a lover, not a fighter, so I haven't gotten into a gym. We'll see how that goes. We live right by a Pokestop, so I collect a couple of Pokeballs from my living room every few hours. And I got a Meowth while sitting in my rocking chair last night!!!!

7. Sophie. We took Sophie, Rosie Girl's cat, to live with her in Stevens Point last week. Sophie is undisputed queen of the roost, right where she belongs. On that same day, Rosie Girl, PWM, Wild Man, J, and I went down to the park in Stevens Point right on the river to hunt Pokemon. Some people had practically set up camp. Of course, I was kind of tempted to join them when I realized how many magicarp there were! 

8. Rhapsody. This is my new kitten. I got an adorable 8 week tabby from J's family. Rhapsody and Rory are still separated. Rory isn't too thrilled with having a kitten around. As soon as I clip Rhapsody's claws and put her claw covers on (hoping to prevent declawing), she should be ready to hang out with Rory. Rhapsody is totally adorable in all her kitteness! She plays until she's completely tuckered out and then goes back upstairs to the closet where she's been sleeping and lies down.

9. Rosie Girl. Started a full-time job!! And it's a job that will offer benefits after a certain period of time! And it pays tolerably well!! And she likes it! Yes, we're all pretty excited. Rosie Girl is feeling like her choice to not return to school was a good one. 

10. PWM. He's starting to feel the impending start of school. But, first, he does two weeks of training at Milwaukee School of Engineering. Yay! NOT! The training is important for the new class that he's teaching, but I'm not thrilled about him being gone for two weeks. In any case, he's getting lots of walking in with Pokemon Go.

11. Wild Man. He's working at a grocery store and can work some shifts at the same chain when he starts school at UWSP. Hopefully, he can handle a few work shifts along with school. We also have to finish up his school shopping. And, I told him he gets to make his own doctor and dentist appointments before school starts - his schedule is too complicated for me to sort out. Besides, as he likes to point out, he's an adult.

That's what's up in our little corner of the world. I've got lots of stuff in my brain that wants to come out. I'll try to let it out in bits and pieces that make sense. Fat chance!! Stay tuned for the crazy!

CCM

My Salvation Story

I'm an Evangelical and we all have one. A salvation story. How we "got saved" or "converted" or "came to know the Lord". Pick your favorite euphemism. Conversionism is the fourth part of the Bebbington quadrilateral. It's what Evangelicals are known for. We believe in the necessity of the individual to turn from sin and to God.

Conversion stories are fun to read. C.S. Lewis has a great conversion story in Mere Christianity. Growing up in the late 70s, I was also part of the culture that indulged in evenings of giving testimonies, an event where people would stand up and tell about how they became Christians. I am inspired to write about my salvation story today because of reading about Tim Fall's (and also because I don't want to do the laundry).

Alas, since I grew up in a Southern Baptist church, I don't have the greatest of all the testimonies: the debauched and sinful person who is brought to Jesus in a dramatic conversion a la the apostle Paul never to smoke, drink, or dance again. No, my salvation story is downright tame.

When I was about 9 or 10 years old, the kids my age at church all started going to the front of the church during the "invitation" time over the course of several months and then getting baptized (by dunking - we were Baptists). The invitation (for those uninitiated) is after the sermon and is a time when the congregation sings and those who feel led may come to the front of the church for prayer, for salvation, or for any other need. One Sunday I wanted to go forward. My Dad said that we'd talk about it later. 

That week, the pastor came by the house and we talked about "getting saved". I prayed the magic words and "asked Jesus into my heart" and the deed was done! The next Sunday I walked forward. The Sunday after that, I was up in the baptistry (like a hot tub, but cold and with no bubbles) getting dunked.

That was it. I was 9 or 10 years old and saved. Washed in the blood so to speak. I could now safely die. Or could I? Did it really take? Was I really saved? Really?

For the next five years I prayed the Sinner's Prayer (don't check your Bible - it's not there) at least every three months, sometimes every three days. It was an anxious time for me. Sometimes the pastor or youth group leader would talk about "knowing you are saved". Well, I didn't FEEL like I was saved. Down on my knees that night, I'd pray the prayer yet again.

Finally, at age 17, I was in an evangelism class where we were learning to share our faith, except that I suspected that I didn't have any faith to share. I went forward during the invitation again and confessed that I wasn't really saved. I prayed the prayer yet again. But, this time, I was baptized again! As a 17 year old! I must really be saved now!

Looking back on this time in my life, I can laugh at my anxiety-ridden self. Was I "saved" at age 10 or age 17? Actually, I have loved Jesus from as long as I can remember. I know that Bebbington's quadrilateral says that we have to have a conversion event, but I can't find that specifically in the Bible. Maybe it's OK to be an Evangelical and not have a specific salvation event. Maybe?

I loved God in whatever way I could at whatever age I was. When I was 10, I was very concrete, so I was very anxious to do everything right. Hence, my constant need to "know" that I was "saved". That's certainly what my church taught - get saved and be sure about it. And at 17? I don't know what that was all about! Peer pressure? Not understanding my relationship with Jesus?

What do I know now? I have loved Jesus for as long as I can remember. When I was 17, I started walking with Jesus in a newly conscious way. I tell people that I have been a believer since I was 17.

What is your conversion story? If you are no longer a believer, what is your deconversion story? I'd love to hear? Post in the comments, or post your link in the comments!!

Work

I miss working as a physician. Not just because of the money, either. I miss interacting with patients, consulting with colleagues, and just getting stuff done. Now that I can’t work outside the home, I particularly enjoy the days when I feel well so that I can get things done at home. Cleaning the kitchen or vacuuming the floor makes me feel incredibly accomplished!

People were made to work! God gave Adam and Eve the job of taking care of the Garden of Eden. It was sin that made working difficult and painful.

People want to work. People on disability want to work. It’s only a very tiny percentage of people who are trying to bilk the government out of money by being lazy and watching TV all day. Most of us (disabled or not) like the feeling of satisfaction you get from doing a good day’s worth of work. Some people don’t like the job they have to do to pay the bills, but they have manage to find their work fulfillment in other ways – through hobbies or ministries.

For the last two and a half weeks, I have been trying to run our yarn shop by myself until our new employee (team member, sales associate, ????) could start. Can I just say that tomorrow is not a moment too soon?!!!!! I have a deep sense of fulfillment from the last two weeks of working, but it’s clear why I’m on disability. I managed to keep the shop open all but two days, but there were several days that I was only able to take care of customers. When the headaches didn’t get me, the muscle pain and fatigue did. Yikes! Not only that, running a yarn shop requires much more than just assisting customers. I figured out how to deposit money, but PWM is still managing the books for the most part. My meds make my head a little too fuzzy to trust to do that regularly.

As of tomorrow, I am the Yarn Diva, but I’m not trying to be a full-time yarn store manager, for which I’m most grateful. Last week, I did some training with our new employee, so she can get going with helping customers immediately. The plan is for her to be able to manage pretty much everything in the shop so that if I have a week-long migraine, things can go along merrily without me. Although I would hope that someone might miss me eventually.

Here’s hoping for a good first week for our new team member!!

7 Quick Takes Friday–9/12/2014

 

1. It has been raining for two days around here, so today I went to Fleet Farm and got the light bulbs I needed and have been making sure that we have light bulbs in every light fixture so I can turn every light in the house on in the middle of the day!! I will not be depressed because of darkness!! (Yes, I do take my Vitamin D! Why do you ask?)

2. So, my body has decided to pull a new trick on me. I am having a recurrent episode of pain and swelling in my right lower leg. The first time it happened, I thought it was superficial thrombophlebitis, which means inflamed blood clot in the superficial veins. Which is painful but not dangerous. But, since my father-in-law died of a pulmonary embolism (blood clot to the lungs which often starts in the deep veins of the legs) and my mother is an ICU nurse, I went to the doctor and had an ultrasound done. Which was negative. That was two weeks ago. The problem came back two days ago and I saw my doctor today who ordered an XRay which was normal so I’m getting an MRI next week sometime. Deep breath. I don’t have a blood clot. Yay.  (BTW, Aren’t the paper shorts they gave me for my leg XRay just adorable???)

3. Wild Man was telling us last night about working on an American History timeline in American Literature and reading about Europeans giving Native Americans smallpox. I said, “Well, the native Americans probably gave the Europeans syphilis.” PWM said, “Yeah, real fair trade.” Wild Man said, “European and Native Americans never had fair trade!” Then stopped and said, “Boom! See, I do remember my American History!!” Yes, we’ve managed to raise a somewhat educated child.

4. Sophie, Rosie Girl’s cat, is lonely. She always gets a bit lonely when Rosie Girl goes back to school, but this time it’s worse. Not only did Rosie Girl go back to UWSP, but now PWM is teaching, so he’s gone all day every day and Wild Man is in school, so he’s gone all day every day. It’s just me and Sophie, and if it’s busy in the shop or if I have a migraine, poor Sophie is all alone.

5. To try to help Sophie entertain herself, I got her this cool little tube that has crinkly plastic inside which Sophie should love since she keeps trying to eat plastic. So far, her response has been “meh”.

6. I hired an employee last week! Ack! That feels so . . . . grown-up. Yes, I know I’m 47 and that I’m well past grown-up, but there’s still a part of me that doesn’t believe it. But, with PWM working now, I can’t run the shop on my own, so I hired a wonderful woman who is a great knitter to work 24 hours a week so we won’t have to close when I have a migraine. Not only that, but she has great ideas and seems organized and able to implement them. I’m excited!

7. One of the downsides to sending Wild Man to school is that I don’t get to see him very often. He’s working two jobs, going to school, in band and choir, in a community choir, and a church worship leader. He was finally home for a few hours last night without homework to do, so he agreed to play Yahtzee with me. I lost terribly, but I didn’t care.

What’s going on with you??  Check out 7 Quick Takes Friday at Conversion Diary to see what others are up to these days!!

What’s Been Going On?

Where have I been for the month? How could I have neglected my poor blog so badly? This time, it has not been migraines! We have had a full-blown turn-our-lives-upside-down couple of weeks!! Let me explain.

As I’ve previously written, we decided to send Wild Man to the local high school this year. We live in a small town of about 2000 people, so the school is also small. About three weeks ago now, the school superintendent came over and met with PWM and asked if he would please come and teach math for at least a semester because their new math teacher for this year had just quit (they have three high school math teachers). PWM had an initial educator’s license about 5 years ago, but his only classroom experience besides his education classes was a long-term sub position. Otherwise, he’s been a math tutor. So, we talked and prayed about it. And PWM said yes. With classes starting the next week.

As of two weeks ago, Wild Man and PWM are up early every morning to go to the high school. PWM is teaching precalculus, AP calculus, 6th grade study skills, and a middle school remedial math program. It’s been a rough three weeks with very little sleep, lots of administrative work, lesson planning, and math review of his own, but it looks like it’s going to work out. PWM is a naturally good teacher and he loves kids of all ages. If he’s going to work full-time at something, this is where it should be. I really think he can make a difference in kids’ lives.

There are some tangible benefits to his teaching, too. He gets paid. Yay! But, he also gets medical, dental, and vision insurance. We’ve had medical insurance, but the dental and vision insurance is new since I quit work. I’m thrilled about that!

There are some other challenges. I can’t take care of the shop on my own. The last three weeks have been just crazy. I’ve only had one day that I had to close because of a migraine, but I’ve had several others in which I just didn’t feel well. And I closed early for a doctor’s appointment. We hired an employee for 24 hours per week, which will keep the shop running when PWM’s not here. Actually, I’m quite optimistic about the woman we hired. She’s a knitter and seems to be a hard worker with great ideas. She starts on Tuesday!!

Wild Man is not thrilled about school, but he is doing pretty well. He is keeping up with his homework, but the homework is what is making school unpleasant for him. He reads and works slowly because of his dyslexia, so he tends to take longer than most other students on his assignments. That being said, he seems to understand and do his work well so far.

Wild Man is also in a singing group in the Fox Valley that is made up of adults but also invites select students from area schools to participate. They had their “retreat” last Sunday and will practice for the next several weeks before their concert.

Of course, Wild Man is working and in band and choir. The one thing I don’t like about his being in school is that he’s gone so much. Last night he was home for a couple of hours after work and before bed, so he agreed to play Yahtzee with me. I lost terribly, but I didn’t care. I was glad to spend time with my son. That’s one of the things I miss about homeschooling.

Things will start calming down soon, I’m sure. PWM is catching up on sleep and lesson planning as well as getting more comfortable in his classroom and with his kids. Wild Man is figuring out the whole school thing. Our new employee starts next week (freeing me up tremendously). We’ll all be able to catch our breaths again. I hope.

So, what’s going on in your world?

Lagniappe–August 17, 2014

It’s been a busy week around here. I never even got around to doing my 7 Quick Takes Friday. Well, I guess today’s Lagniappe will have to do. (I also have a movie reviews post in the wings, but it will be another day or two before it gets done.)

1. Monday through Friday were low-headache days!! Yay! The weather was calm and so was my head. I totally loved it.

2. Wild Man had a dental appointment on Monday and was found to have 6 cavities. Yep, 6!! Apparently, they’re from drinking so much soda. We’ve really loosened up our lifestyle over the summer, so we’re tightening things back up and keeping a closer eye on Wild Man’s diet and tooth brushing.

3. Wild Man told me when we got home, “Don’t make a big deal about the six cavities to Dad.” So, when PWM came up from the basement, I said, “I’m not supposed to make a big deal to you about the fact that Wild Man has six cavities.” PWM said, “Really. OK, I’ll make the big deal, then.”

4. I had two cavities filled on Tuesday. I love my dentist. He made sure to numb up the whole lower side of my face so I didn’t feel a thing. I couldn’t eat for several hours, but it was completely worth it.

5. On Wednesday, I did a cooking-palooza! We get veggies from a CSA, but it’s sometime hard to eat all of them if I don’t feel like cooking (which I haven’t lately). So, on Wednesday, I cooked. I made Roasted Onion and Garlic soup with a bunch of the onions and garlic. I made Beet Brownies with two pureed beets, although they did not cook as quickly as I’m used to beets cooking, so there were some little bits of beets in the brownies. We couldn’t taste them, though. I used a very large zucchini to make Double Chocolate Zucchini Bread which froze very well.  While I was at it, I also made some French Bread in the bread machine, which was my first time using the bread machine. And, before I was done, I made sure to clean up the kitchen. Yippee!!

6. Yes, I did start getting a migraine on Saturday, but it wasn’t terrible. The bad thing was that I had insomnia and the headache last night so I didn’t get out of bed today until noon, but my headache is still there. I should have just gotten out of bed.

7. While I have a migraine, I have decided to rearrange the living room. Great timing, huh? Actually, I have developed the plan, that we’ll carry out when the migraine is better. I want to do it while I still have the kids to help.

How has your week been? Do you have anything of great depth or insight to share? No? How about a cat story?

A Normal Day!

So, what did I do today? Well, I didn’t have a migraine (at least as of now – 7:41pm). I got up at about 8am. I spent some time on the computer, did some reading. I had breakfast. It was a slow morning. Let’s call it leisurely.

At about noon, I started my cooking odyssey. We’ve gotten a lot of veggies from our CSA, but haven’t had a lot of time to cook them, so we needed to do something to use some of them up. I made Roasted Onion-Garlic soup, Beet Brownies (brownies with pureed beets hidden in the batter), French Bread (in the bread maker), Double Chocolate Zucchini Bread, and Meatballs. And then I cleaned up.

Sounds like a normal day, right? Not for me. I’m lucky to be able to cook dinner most days. Well, I don’t cook dinner most days. By late afternoon, I’m either too tired or too headache-y to do much. The crock pot is my friend.

What was different about today? I have no idea. But, I’ll take it. This may be my one good day for the next couple of weeks or the next month. That’s OK.

I was normal. Even if just for one day.

Thank you, Jesus, for normal.

Robin Williams, Suicide, Depression, and Migraines

Yesterday, we lost an amazing actor and comedian and, by all accounts, a wonderful man. He had an often fatal disease called depression. And one of the worst complications of depression is suicide.

I have depression. Thank God, I’ve never been suicidal. I can’t attribute that to anything I’ve done. It is purely that the course of my illness has never been that severe. But, I’ve had days where it took every bit of energy to get out of bed. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have darkness so bad that you are willing to end your life.

One of the worst things about depression is how it takes over my life when it flares up. Everything becomes about how bad I feel. Instead of thinking about how great it would be to take a walk with a friend, my brain tells me how tired and miserable I am and how a walk would be a terrible idea. Every fun thing in the world seems like more work than it’s worth.

People sometimes say that suicide is selfish, that a person who commits suicide is thinking only of themselves. Well, they are. But, that’s the illness. A person with depression can’t imagine that anyone else would want them around anymore. When I’m down in the black hole of depression, I don’t feel loved and wanted, no matter what people say. Depression is more than sadness. The illness consumes me. And I’ve never even been sick enough to consider suicide. It must be a million times worse for someone who will take their own life.

Migraines and chronic pain are the same way. I don’t want to be a hermit when I have a migraine, but I am. Pain takes over every part of my being. And it’s usually accompanied by nausea, sound sensitivity, and other symptoms. Even when it’s just head pain, it still takes over my consciousness and doesn’t allow me to function. That’s part of how pain works. When the body works properly, pain is supposed to tell you that something is wrong so you can fix it. In chronic pain, the signals are not working correctly, so you get all discombobulated. Pain demands to be heard. All. The. Time.

Some Christians are hesitant to use medications for depression because they think depression is just a bad bout of sadness or it is purely “spiritual”. Sometimes, sadness is normal and just needs some time, particularly if it is a normal grief reaction after a death or significant social or emotional change.

But, true depression is a physical illness caused by messed up neurotransmitters in certain parts of the brain. Sometimes, depression is part of other illnesses, like bipolar illness or schizophrenia. In any case, medical intervention is necessary. In mild cases, counseling alone may be effective, but in more serious cases, medications along with counseling and lifestyle changes will be needed.

But, is God really OK with us using medications to treat mood disorders? I sure hope God’s OK with me using medications to treat my headaches! And my mood disorder (depression) goes right along with the headaches. In fact depression is a “tag-along” illness with many diseases, including migraine, fibromyalgia, and even things like after open heart surgery. God gave us the ability to diagnose and treat lots of illnesses, including illnesses of the brain. I assume he wants us to use these abilities!

Where does God fit into the depression thing, though? I believe God does want us to feel better. I’m sure that he sometimes supernaturally heals people, but most of the time, he works through the laws of nature. We get better through medications and counseling. Depression is treated by medical professionals like diabetes or hypertension.

In my walk with Jesus, I know that my depression affects my spiritual life, just like it affects the rest of my life. When I’m really depressed it’s hard to pray. But, it’s also hard to talk to my husband and kids. I have found, though, that there are certain passages of the Bible that are particularly helpful for me to read and meditate on when my mood is low. My prayer and meditation time are very important to me as part of my depression treatment. Worshiping Jesus is part of my life. I know that he wants me to be emotionally healthy, so I try to keep to practices that I know are good for me.

And, I would be completely remiss if I didn’t tell you that if you are depressed, you don’t have to live this way! Get help! Tell a friend, call a help line, go to an Emergency Department! Suicide is not the answer, but neither is feeling rotten all the time. Medications can really help you feel much better and live a better life. And check out your local church. Jesus wants to help you, too.

What are your thoughts?

 

R.I.P.. Robin Williams

To Survive or To Thrive

 

John 10:10 “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” NIV

John 10:10 “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” KJV

I’ve been feeling like I’m just surviving these days. Even now that the depression is starting to lift, I’m still just “getting by” most days. I read a blog post (but I can’t remember where – sorry) about thriving as Christians. It was really inspiring, but when I finished reading, I just thought about how sad and depressing my life is.

Jesus was very clear that He came not just to save our souls, but give us “abundant life” and to bring the Kingdom of Heaven to earth. I don’t think he intended for any of us to mope around here waiting for the day of our death. Our life is important, if for no other reason than to be part of God’s kingdom here on earth.

Paul wrote in Philippians about how he didn’t know whether he’d rather be in heaven or earth, but then concluded that he could be joyful and content in any circumstances here on earth because of faith in Christ.

So, yeah. I’m having a hard time with that right now. Chronic pain takes over everything in my life, it feels like. What I can do each day is determined by how much my head hurts and how bad the nausea and other symptoms are.

I know that some days, all I can do is survive. I’m not able to do much more. But, overall, I’d like to thrive. I’d like to feel like I’m making an impact in this world, even if it’s small. Maybe just getting up and getting dressed is enough. Maybe working in the shop once or twice a week. Maybe occasionally blogging.

What do you think? How do you do more than get from one day to another?

This Post Was Supposed To Be Reviews

. . .  but, I never got around to writing them today, mostly because I had a bit of a migraine (which is a migraine that actually responds to medications) with the accompanying brain fog. So, what did I do? I surfed the internet, listened to a book, and knit. Which is just fine. But, no book reviews till another day. And since I haven’t reviewed books in several months, there are a lot to do. For my three or four faithful readers.

So, what has been going on? Well, my mood is better. I think just writing about my depression issues has been good. But, I’ve also been exercising (except for today because of the migraine). A friend texted yesterday and wanted to take a walk. I tried to beg off since it was a million degrees outside and I hadn’t had lunch or showered and it was 1:30 and Rosie Girl and I were supposed to go shopping at 4pm. My friend was persistent, though, so I had lunch (scrambled eggs with spinach, Triscuits, and grape juice – very healthy) and met her for a walk. And we walked for about 35 minutes. While it was like 89 degrees outside! I thought I moved up North to get away from crazy hot temperatures like that!! We tried to find the shadiest streets to walk on to make it a bit easier. But it was still hot.

And I’m eating better. At least better than I was at camp where there was too much junk food and too much soda easily available. See the aforementioned scrambled eggs and spinach. PWM cooked tilapia and onions with a side dish of fresh green beans tonight for dinner. Summer time is good for fresh veggies around here because we belong to a CSA. Every Monday we get a bag of fresh veggies and a box of eggs. Rosie Girl is going to make some Zuppa Toscana (a la The Olive Garden) now that we’ve got some kale. We haven’t gotten beets yet, or at least not many, but those are a good excuse for me to bake brownies. None of us are very fond of beets, but I bake them and puree them and put them in brownie batter.

My parents and my mother-in-law gave me money for my birthday, so Rosie Girl and I went shopping yesterday!! On our way to camp a couple of weeks ago, I had stopped at Kohl’s and picked up some blue jeans and tan jeans. I only tried on the blue ones (shame on me!), but the tan ones were the same size. When we got to camp, I found that the tan ones were almost two sizes too big! I had a migraine on the way home, so we didn’t stop to exchange them at the time. So, Rosie Girl and I started at Kohl’s so I could exchange my tan jeans. I also picked up a pair of black jeans (because my current ones are too big). I tried the black ones on!! I also found three cute tops.

Then, we went to Shopko to pick up some makeup. Rosie Girl actually picked out my eye makeup for me – 3 eyeliners and one package of 8 shades of eye shadow. I picked up some other stuff I needed. Rosie Girl is educating me on how to wear eye makeup properly instead of the haphazard “just get something on your eyes” method that I’ve been using since I was 13. And, then, since we love ice cream and it was a million degrees outside, we stopped at Dairy Queen before coming home. It was a lovely day!

It is supposed to cool off tomorrow which my head has been telling me in the form of a migraine. I’ve been fortunate that today’s migraine has been mild. I hope it’s also short-lived. Even though I spent far too much time surfing the net today, I did get a fair bit of knitting done. I finished knitting the neckline on my long-sleeved V-neck CustomFit sweater. Now all I need to do is to weave in the ends and it’s ready to display in the shop. I cast-on and started the back of Rosie Girl’s CustomFit sweater vest (which will be a shop model first).

But, right now, I need to get off the computer so I can read for a few minutes before bed. I’ve got a couple of short loan books that not only need to get back to the library, but are also really good. Now that I’ve got some quiet time, I’d better use it to my advantage and read!!

So, what’s up in your world?

Another Round on the Depression Train . . .

It’s happening again. I’m feeling the hands pulling me down into depression while I’m trying so hard to stay up into normalcy. This isn’t new. Depression is part of the whole “chronic illness” thing.

I get depressed because of how the chronic migraine illness has affected my life and how that makes me sad. But, I’m also depressed because chronic illness, especially chronic pain, affects the neurotransmitters in the brain. So, pretty much everyone with chronic illness ends up with depression and finds that life is better on anti-depressants.

This go-round with depression is because of a couple of things. First of all, we decreased the dose of one of my anti-depressants because my mood had been so stable. That was about three months ago. I really don’t want to have to increase that dose again because I’ve lost ten pounds and I had a little less fatigue immediately after the dose decrease.

Sending Wild Man to school is another obvious “loss” from the chronic migraines. There are lots and lots  of reasons the Wild Man is better off at school this year than being homeschooled, but I have an overwhelming (probably irrational) feeling that the migraines are THE reason we aren’t homeschooling anymore.

I’m feeling more and more angry about how the migraines have taken over my life. And I don’t see things changing anytime soon. I have an M.D. to put behind my name, but no way to use it right now. Even if the migraines went away today, I have too many cognitive side effects from my medications to try to do anything as mentally taxing as practicing medicine. I won’t be homeschooling Wild Man this year because it’s too hard to keep up with all my headaches.

I’m tired. I’m finding it hard to be happy. I’d sleep all day if I could.

But, being a planner, I have a plan. Get up every morning. Do yoga, even if just a little bit. Eat real food. Get a shower. Get dressed. Walk. Meditate. Read books. Knit. Go places with friends. See my counselor. (Of course, all plans are off when the headaches get above an 8.)

I just don’t know if I can do this plan. PWM is being so helpful. He’s making sure there’s plenty of healthy food that I actually like. He’s encouraging without being obnoxious.

Like all depressive phases, I’ll get through this one. If what I’ve planned so far doesn’t work, I’ll talk to my doctor about meds. And I’ve never been suicidal. Just wanted to sleep for days on end.

That’s the most optimistic that this post gets. I never truly despair because I’m walking with Jesus, but Jesus is pretty quiet right now. You could pray for me. That would be good. I would like this to be done with as quickly as possible. Which is why I’m going to try as hard as I can to get my butt on the treadmill tomorrow morning. God help me.

Family Camp 2014

Last week was our week away from home at Fort Wilderness. We had a great time, as always. This year, one of Rosie Girl’s friends came with us. She’s a real “horse person”, so she and Rosie Girl did lots of horseback riding. Since Rosie Girl only rides when she’s up at Fort, she was pretty sore for a couple of days. They also enjoyed plenty of gourmet coffee and card games in between horse rides.

Wild Man indulged his need for competition in the archery and carpetball tournaments. He won first place for his age group in archery and third place in carpetball! And, of course, enjoyed his prizes – treats from the canteen. He also really enjoyed the teen Bible study for the week. It was taught by a young man who is in seminary and is a totally theology geek – but has a crazy afro and is psycho for coffee and tea. Wild Man just loves this guy’s passion. He taught about several men through church history who have followed Jesus in a big way and what happened in their lives. Some of them were Athanasius, Augustine, Anselm, Luther, Calvin, Tyndale, and Bonhoeffer (I probably missed some in there).

I did a good bit of reading and some knitting. I’m working on a pair of socks that start on the sole of the foot. The pattern is in one of the more recent Interweave Knit magazines. Unfortunately, I had several days of bad migraine, so I missed going on Wrangler Breakfast with everyone else. Other than that, I don’t think I missed much. PWM did a good bit of archery and was in the tournament, but didn’t shoot as well as he would have liked this year.

Grandma (PWM’s mom) joined us again this year. She loves to make campfires, so we had a fire most nights except for the ones when it rained. She made some homemade firestarter (using wax and woodshavings from PWMs workshop) which got things going more easily this year.  Rosie Girl also taught her friend and Grandma how to spin wool with a drop spindle on one of the rainy days. Rosie Girl has gotten quite adept at spinning and Grandma and M were making quite a go of it.

I made a new friend this year, one that I really hope not to see again. He was hopping up my leg when I met him. In fact, he was hopping up toward an inappropriate area and I finally had to pick him up because he didn’t respond to my verbal commands to leave me alone. “NO means NO, Froggy!!” So, I deposited him back in the woods with a strong admonition to leave human females alone and find himself a girl froggy to hang out with. I didn’t see him the rest of the week, so I assume he decided that trans-species romance was out of the question for him.

We had a great week. If you are looking for a fun way to spend a week with your family, I highly recommend Fort Wildnerness! It’s fun in a Christian environment for the whole family in the beauty of God’s Northwoods!

Consider it pure joy . . . May 6, 2014

The apostle James was crazy. He wrote “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

That man has not been inside my head during a three-day migraine. Pure joy? Yeah, right.

Lest you think, though, that the last ten years of chronic migraine have been completely useless, I can tell you that I have learned some important things. The main one is my dependence on Jesus. Fifteen years ago, I could have convinced myself that I had my life together. I was a practicing physician with a good marriage and two adorable children. What more could I want? Now, I’m lucky to get through a day without a miserable headache.

But, this is a good place to be. I can’t pretend to be able to get through life on my own. Really, fifteen years ago, I was just as dependent on Jesus; I just had days or weeks that I would forget that and try to make do myself. Nowadays, before I even get out of bed, I’m reminded of how broken I am. It’s the physical brokenness that reminds me, but it’s the spiritual brokenness that’s so debilitating. And it would be there with or without the headaches.

We’re all broken before Jesus. That’s what it means to be human. We’ve all sinned and, even though we’re forgiven, that tendency to sin hasn’t gone away. And the sin from the rest of the world has broken us in other ways: emotionally and spiritually. My physical pain is just a reminder that I need Jesus every day.

Maybe I should “consider it pure joy” . . . .

Updates–April 22, 2014

It’s been an eventful couple of weeks around here, and there’s more fun to come!

• Silver, the cat who swallowed the thread, didn’t get any better (and actually got worse), so our friend who is a vet came over the day after he treated her conservatively and euthanized her.
• Sassy, the cat who was sick and had lost so much weight, was also getting worse. The vet was going to take her in to the office the next morning, but before PWM could put her in the box that morning, Sassy got up and then fell over and died. The vet was surprised that she had passed so soon since he had seen her the night before.
• So, now we’re down to one cat, Sophie. Sophie seems to be tolerating being an only cat quite well. She’s spending more time downstairs and requesting more affection. But, there’s a downside, too. We found her on top of the refrigerator twice on the first day after the other two cats died! She’s been better behaved since then.
• I now have my hearing aids and I’m loving them. They have a setting that optimizes them for music, so the kids’ concerts sound even better! I also like that I can listen to audiobooks through my hearing aids wirelessly. I thought I would need a new ipod, but, sadly, my old one works quite well. LOL!
• Wild Man spent five days last week in New York City with the high school band and choir and had a great time. He also got licked by a horse.
• As summer approaches, both kids are looking for work. This is so different from the days when we were just looking at what kinds of summer sports and summer classes we could sign up for.
• Rosie Girl put a piece of her composition in the Composer’s Concert at UWSP last week. I missed the concert because of a migraine, but PWM was impressed with all the pieces.
• I did NOT have a migraine on Easter Sunday, so I went to church and cooked a nice dinner for the family. We even ate off of the good china. (Although the kids had said that we were going to eat off china even if we ended up having hamburgers because I had a migraine!)
• And now it’s about 6 weeks till the end of the school year – less for Rosie Girl. In that time, there are still concerts, State Solo and Ensemble for Wild Man, and finals for Rosie Girl. In the meantime, PWM and I are still working hard at The Knitting Nest. Sigh.

So, what’s up with you?

My sick kitties

Two of our three kitties are very sick. And not with the same thing. Sassy and Silver are from the same litter and are thirteen years old. They’ve had good lives and have generally been healthy. Sassy gains and loses weight based on whether or not she’s the dominant cat at the food bowl. (If it was up to her, she’d always be the dominant cat and she’d be overweight!)

When we got home from our trip, we noticed that Sassy was kind of lethargic and acting funny. She’d sit for a half hour just staring at her water bowl. Finally, after a day or two, we realized that she’s lost a fair amount of weight – her vertebrae are palpable all the way through her hip bones. She doesn’t look boney because of all her long hair. I haven’t seen her go downstairs to eat and we haven’t had to fill the foodbowl as much, either. I did coax her to eat a little canned food yesterday and today. A friend who is a vet came by today and thinks she most likely has a chronic illness, but we’d have to do blood work to see. And then we’d have to decide what to do and how much, if any, intervention we’d be willing to pursue.

Silver (my cat – kind of) was fine until she threw up some thread that she had swallowed. But, she didn’t get it all up, so we cut it off at her mouth, hoping she’d swallow it and either vomit it up or get it through the rest of her GI tract safely. Unfortunately, things weren’t looking good last night. She growled when I tried to feel her tummy. She was definitely guarding and hiding in corners. We were prepared for her to have a surgical abdomen today. But, she seems to have improved. I guess the thread either hasn’t anchored or it has undone itself from anchoring and is moving through. We couldn’t get her in to any of the local vets, so a friend who is a vet came by and gave her some meds to try to get her bowels moving. So, here’s praying that she gets this foreign body out of her system. And that we find  the source of the thread in all of our cleaning. Because we have no idea where this cat found thread.

And Sophie is doing just fine if she’d stay off the table when there’s pizza on it! She can clearly sense that something’s going on and she hasn’t been attacking Silver and Sassy

What’s crazy is that Silver and Sassy are so sick at the same time, but with completely different things. What a coincidence!

Pray for my sweet kitties. And pray that PWM and I will know what to dol

Too Much Fun!

Our plan this last week was to drive down to Mississippi, get some furniture from my parents’ shed that they’re clearing out, drive home, and be done. It was supposed to be pleasant, a little fun. It wasn’t supposed to be exciting. But it was. Too exciting for our taste. But, we’re home, safe and sound, with furniture.

We left Wisconsin Thursday morning at 7am, an hour later than expected because PWM decided to let us sleep an extra hour, figuring I’d drive be willing to drive later in the night if we decided we wanted to drive late into the night. We’re glad that we did. There was a dusting of snow on the ground when we got up, but the roads weren’t bad when we left. We found out later, though, that the roads had been icy at 6am and an acquaintance of ours had rolled his car that morning. We were glad to skip that.

We got past St. Louis and had hoped to drive further, but the weather was very stormy. The first place that we pulled off looked a bit sketchy, so PWM decided to go on to the next exit. The next place was better, which was good because the storm was so bad that he really couldn’t see to drive anymore. When we stopped under the awning of the hotel, we were told that we might want to come in the lobby even if we didn’t stay the night because the area was under a tornado warning. So, we checked in there for the night and stayed well away from the window in our room. Had we gone one more exit, we probably would have run right into the tornados in Cape Girardeau. We ended up having PopTarts for dinner. Better than running into a tornado!

We planned to get up and out early the next am. But, at 3am, the smoke alarm went off, so we were all very awake. (Apparently, someone decided to smoke in their room.) Well, we decided to get going at 4am. Yay. It turned out to be a good choice.

Around 10am (on Friday, BTW), the Trooper (our vehicle) started running poorly. We were (naively) hoping it was just some bad gas, but were afraid that it wasn’t. And things weren’t getting better, although they weren’t getting worse. We called ahead to my parents who got the name of a good mechanic from my aunt, and then PWM called to see if they could look at the Trooper when we got in to McComb. Since we had been driving since 4 in the blessed am, we would be getting in to McComb before 3pm, so it worked out to have them look at the Trooper. In fact, while I was napping at my aunt’s house late in the afternoon, the mechanic found the part he needed (the only one in Pike County) and replaced it for a reasonable price all that afternoon. Talk about a miracle!

During my Friday nap, PWM and my dad consulted on whether we could get the furniture into a trailer to pull behind the Trooper or whether we’d need a truck. They decided on a truck and found one about an hour’s drive away that they could pick up Saturday morning. Also Friday, my parents took care of some business that they thought would take several more months to wrap up. Overall, we were pleased.

Saturday was packing day. And, it was the reason for having Wild Man along! (Besides, he’s cute!) PWM and Wild Man packed up a living room’s worth of furniture that my parents used to have in their trailer that they gave me along with my aunt’s china cabinet and my grandmother’s buffet and a few other pieces. When my head wasn’t bothering me, I helped my mom sort some stuff – and give away a lot of it!

We got to visit several family members on Saturday and Sunday. That’s always fun. We went out for catfish on Saturday night and I got fried crawfish!! Yay!! I truly miss crawfish!

The only real excitement on the trip home is that Wild Man got to drive a lot. He and I were in the Trooper and I was happy to let him drive. He wasn’t crazy about driving through cities at first, but once he drove through Jackson, MS, he decided it really wasn’t so bad. We didn’t get as far as we’d like on Monday night because I was getting a headache, but we started early yesterday. We got home around 6pm last night. PWM and Wild Man got all the living room furniture out of the truck last night then got some help to empty every thing else this morning. When I got out of bed, PWM and I returned the UHaul truck.

And the trip is now over. Except for the recovery. Which may take a couple of weeks.

I’m off to do some more recovery.

Life–February 13, 2014

• I’ve been 3 1/2 days without significant headache!! Now I’m nervous about how long this can actually continue!
• Because of my headache reprieve, I’ve been trying to get some stuff done around the house. PWM and I cleaned out our upstairs closet and moved clothes around. In the end, we had three good-sized boxes of stuff to go to St. Vincent’s or Goodwill.
• Yesterday, we cleaned out the coat closet and filled another box with stuff to give away.
• I also made a couple of pound cakes yesterday – one to give away and one to have here at home. I needed to make one to keep here at home because Wild Man heard I was making a pound cake and felt very strongly that I needed to make one that he could eat.
• Have you been watching the Olympics? We’ve been watching them pretty much every night. I’ve actually been enjoying skiing and snowboarding, although I keep wanting to yell at them, “Don’t die, don’t die!!”
• I’ve got four books out from the library to read. My eyes are too big for my reading ability again. We’ll see which ones actually get read!

That’s a little bit of what’s going on around here.

Romans 12:15–February 13, 2014

In Romans 12, Paul is giving the Romans some practical ways to show love. In verse 15, he writes, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” This has been the week for it.

One of my college friends is on hospice and not expected to live out the week. Unfortunately, she lives down South and I won’t make it to the funeral. Thankfully, I’m in touch with friends through social media. Last night I found out that one of my previous co-workers died from ALS. His death wasn’t unexpected; he quit practicing medicine soon after I did because of the diagnosis. But, it’s sad. He was only 63. And I found that another former co-worker, this time a back office employee, has breast cancer. That’s a lot of mourning for one week, if you ask me.

But, there are blessings. I’ve had three non-migraine days in a row. That must count for something. But, more substantially, two women (much younger than I) who happen to live in different states than I have given birth to precious babies this week. I am thanking God for Facebook! I can’t get enough pictures of these darling sweeties. And, another friend made it to the 36 week mark without having her baby! So, of course, we’re all on pins and needles for that one to be born. (Especially me, because that baby is here in town and I’ll get to hold and snuggle him occasionally. Well, I’ll have to get in line, but eventually, I’ll get so see him in person.)

And through all of this, God is in control. Death is a part of the cycle of life and death that we all must face. Yes, my college friend is too young to die. As was my co-worker. The way that we can love those around us best right now is to just “mourn with those who mourn”. These people have touched a lot of lives and I know that they will be very missed and there will be much mourning. But, we are also to love by “rejoic(ing) with those who rejoice”. And I know, under all the sleeplessness, there is much rejoicing for new life brought into the world.